July 2018

A Piece of Peace, July 1, 2018

Does anyone else sometimes find peace unsettling? Specifically, peace of mind? I always find myself wondering if it's real whenever I feel it. Which is an odd and depressing thing now that I think about it. Nevertheless, I have felt at peace these last few days — serene, content, light. It also makes me wonder if it is the result "raising my vibration" through mediation and practicing faith. It's actually almost as challenging to relax and enjoy the positive feelings as it is to work towards them when things are rough. Almost. 

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What Wakes Me Up at Night, July 2, 2018

I woke myself up laughing in my sleep last night. I have zero memory of what was so funny but I woke up smiling and chuckling several times. This was a dramatic improvement over the night before when I woke up several times in terror, dreaming about trains at night and stations in the woods and spirits in the shadows. I read once that when you have nightmares, it's generally caused by a full bladder, some sort of biological measure to avoid wetting the bed or something, but the night before I didn't have to pee at all so it made the scariness all the worse. Sometimes I wake myself up in mid-conversation with someone that starts in my dream and seamlessly transitions into reality but with no context or participant, just me blah blah blah-ing out loud to nothing and no one. I'm just saying, I have range.

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Not for Loners, July 3, 2018

As a kid I attended Montessori schools because my mother was a Montessori teacher and I'd get a free pass. That is, until the head of one of the schools informed her that I was not suited for the Montessori school system. Apparently I was a 'pestiferous' child and I didn't wish to participate in group activities, of which there were many. At the time, my mother told me that 'pestiferous' meant I was in my own world, what it really means is 'irritating, a pest'. Whatever, all the things were true. I didn't like group work then and I don't like it now. 

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Summertime is My time, July 4, 2018

This humid and heavy heat is disgusting. I feel slow, sticky, bolted to the earth. I can't tell if my bedroom AC isn't working right or my expectations are too high; the fans I direct at myself in other rooms seem to be lacking in effectiveness. My face skin is greasy and I am in a perpetual war with the breakouts on my nose where my glasses make contact. The smell of my own body sweat wakes me up in mid-rest. By the way I'm a summer baby, born deep into August.

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I am moist everywhere, July 5, 2018

Oh my God boob sweat. Waistband sweat, back of knee sweat, ass fold sweat, elbow sweat, blurgh! This feels beyond the scope of reasonable. Normally my biggest battle is chronic underarm sweat, which I recently learned, according to a very helpful commercial, is a medical condition that I can treat with expensive pharmaceuticals. What would any of us do without big pharma am I right? Ugh I'm kidding of course but this weather makes it difficult for me to adequately express sarcasm. It's just too much work right now.

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Blast From The Past, July 6, 2018

I woke up to not one but seven text messages from an ex and former fuck buddy. Granted, it's his style to say what he wants to say in a sequence of short messages instead of one long one but whatever. It certainly got me out of bed. Maybe my bald-headed sex dreams are about to come true after all. Fingers crossed.

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To Fuck him or not to fuck him, July 7, 2018

As of 2:45pm I have still not reached back out to the ex/former fuck buddy. I wasn't available yesterday and I know full well that I could text him now and be fucking within the next hour but something is holding me back. There's always a heaviness to revisiting a physical relationship with someone you've dated for any significant time and though we had successfully maintained a casual relationship since dating, there's always that risk of being sucked back into the vortex of emotion. Our fuck buddy arrangement was dissolved after he started drinking again; he is clean again thankfully, but he's still a guy that discovered a unique entry point into my head and heart and who knows how my defenses have held up after all this time. 

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A sunday Feast for One, July 8, 2018

The saga continues, no progress but some contact. Moving on! It's Sunday and as I've mentioned before, I have certain traditional feelings about how this particular day of the week should be spent. Resting for sure, but there's also the Italian tradition of the sauce — my family did not say 'gravy' and so I do not say gravy, it's fucking sauce — and I'm stoked to be making a simple one from scratch later today. Of course there will also be meatballs and pasta otherwise what is the point of the sauce? I've got veal, beef and pork all ready and waiting to be transformed into magic and transformed they shall be, I happen to be pretty handy with ground meats.

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The Need for a new Normal, July 9, 2018

This whole do I want it/don't I want it thing with the recently resurfaced ex is making me realize how poor my self image has been. Since shaving my head, I feel like I've disqualified myself in some way from the pool of eligible women, like I don't even "count" as part of the population anymore. Part of it is how I've been dressing; there's been weight gain and style struggles and these have morphed into a fuck-it attitude and not in a good way. Part of it is that I haven't had sex since I did it and no matter what I tell myself, or how much I enjoy my bald head, I'm convinced it will never happen again just because it hasn't happened yet. I keep trying to remind myself of how beautiful I find the other shaved women on the street to be, or how sexy someone like Amber Rose is; I analyze how she and other women on Instagram dress and accessorize their bald heads so that I may find myself somewhere within it all, but all to no avail. Is it any wonder I want to screw the feelings away?

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Defiance and Revolution, July 10, 2018

Feeling out of my head again; lost and muddled. I get defiantly lazy in response. I become convinced it will never pass. It's all so familiar at this point yet each time feels like a fresh hell that I'll never outlive. Three days this time, three days of defeated self-pity and desire to sleep it all away, of feeling useless, talentless, purposeless. Recovery time is diminishing but I'm still vulnerable every single day. Victory only comes with action; the moment I'm able to leave the house again is a fucking revolution.

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Grand Central, Terminal, July 11, 2018

I have a friend who sees signs everywhere — numbers, birds, etc. — most people brush it off as kookiness and think nothing of it. I'm always comforted by his reports because it makes me feel validated in my own sign awareness. Last night I dreamt of walking through Grand Central only to discover it had been shut down. The entrances to the trains, the downstairs and other arms of the main terminal were walled up. The round desk and opal clock were completely removed, the floor so bare it was as if they had never been there at all. I muddled over what it meant while I made coffee this morning and it occurred to me that it could be symbolic of my job change. For the last 18 years I've worked just a few blocks away from Grand Central — seeing the whole thing closed up could be a sign that there's nothing in that world for me anymore, that I am in fact on the right path. Or not.

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I'm feeling good? July 12, 2018

Finishing things feels good. Doing the things on my boring to-do list that I thought I'd never get done feels good. Trying new things feels good too... So why am I so hooked on the opposites of all of these things which do not feel good? At least I'm doing some, perhaps all, of these good-feeling things today. The determination feels pretty good. 

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Doing the right thing, July 13, 2018

Sometimes I do everything wrong and it all works out and other times I do everything right and it all goes to shit. I'm hoping this stretch I'm in now is part of the former. Over the last few months I have made a number of questionable choices and somehow I'm still here and kicking. With the natural passing of time, my conscience has started to awaken from it's hibernation/survival mode and in turn I've been slowly making adjustments to correct the glut of missteps taken along the way. Of course doing the right thing is its own reward [right?] but I'm also selfishly hoping this reset will mitigate my imposter syndrome, the daily panic attacks and hours spent tossing and turning. 

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Smells like summer, July 14, 2018

One of the few bummers about summer is not being able to wear my clothes more than once. I get home from walking just a few blocks and I can already smell myself, my underarms and waistband damp with perspiration. This daily sweating into fresh new outfits has an unfortunate impact on my laundry cycle and I don't like it one bit. I love the sunshine and warmth but oh how I long for the days of sniff tests and multiple wears of a single item, sigh, when will fall get here.

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techno reset, July 15, 2018

I am a househead and as such, dancing to techno isn't usually my thing. So many dramatic slow moments all building up to a crashing beat that's sometimes really danceable and other times not so much. But there are times when I physically need to hear and feel that crashing beat and it becomes worthwhile to suffer through the non-danceable parts. Sadly, no amount of soul-stirring house music can bust through my body and emotions quite like a dark heavy techno set on some sick speakers. Last night I got to satisfy that physical need, spending 4 hours in a dark crowded club being pounded by bass and beats, the wind from the subwoofers blowing over my skin. Today I feel reset and all the more ready for some house dancing so I can actually break a sweat while enjoying the beats.

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I don't have to live like that anymore, July 16, 2018

Six years ago today was my last, first day without a drink; it was a Monday. The Sunday before: woke up mid-afternoon with two different male friends sleeping in my living room, went to brunch at a neighborhood bar where I drank my weight in bloody marys and whiskey shots, ate one or two pot brownies gifted by the bartender, attempted and failed to score some blow because I was ready for a nap, gave up and took the nap, woke up at 11pm to a hero friend who managed to track down a small bag of coke for me. I proceeded to drink all of the leftover alcohol in my apartment in one continuous binge and spent the next few hours snorting the contents of that bag and attempting to feel drunk. My Sunday ended around 3am and I went to work a few hours later.

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Hey Did you know it's raining right now, July 17, 2018

As much as I hate hot and humid weather, there is something endlessly appealing about a rainstorm during the day. I love the way it gets dark while staying light, the sound of thunder, the comfort of watching it all from a dry place indoors. When I was a kid and living upstate, my favorite thing was that minute before a storm hits, when everything has a deep yellow glow, the air is charged but still, and you just feel it in your gut that all hell's about to break loose in the sky. Good times.