MySpace? August 1, 2018
Yesterday was much less dramatic than I imagined and more harried than I expected. Also I ran into someone I met on MySpace — MYSPACE!!! Prior to yesterday we had only seen each other in real life once at one of my annual Festivus parties. Our initial introduction was so long ago that I can't even remember how we even got connected on the site in the first place. Anyway! what a trip and I guess a fitting way to close out the month?
I'm Just gonna stay inside, august 2, 2018
Currently it is cloudy, humid and way too wet outside. August is in fact my birthday month and I'm really hoping it turns itself around; these conditions are not at all conducive to an outdoor celebration which is really how I would like to close out this birth year. I'm looking for that dry, intense daytime heat with a cool, crisp shift night that whispers "hey youuuu, fall is cominggggggg" — that's the kind of weather I can get behind. This shit right now is torture and leads to unfortunate quarantining inside air-conditioned interiors.
An Old Queen, August 3, 2018
Last night I dreamed that I was older but a queen; unfortunately I was also in a wheelchair as the result of some debilitating back thing. Also there was some question of my abilities given my age. There were a lot of story lines going on centering around theater and theater people and the potential takeover and restoration of an old theater; theater theater theater ugh. So basically all about acting and getting older, jesus that's not topical or timely whatsoever. Did I mention it's my birthday month?
Past Pain, August 4, 2018
I woke up to an old friend texting me about the high school graduation incident in the rape piece I published yesterday. Running on about four hours of sleep, I wasn't exactly eager to relive even more specific details than those shared in the essay as we messaged each other back and forth. But then he wrote "I feel like we all as a group failed a friend first by not providing a reasonably safe place and second by not properly policing a situation from it and that allowed it to happen again. I'm sorry." I didn't realize until I was in tears how much I needed to hear that from someone with any connection to that time and those people. My friend was not the perpetrator, I don't think he was even there that night, but those words carry so much weight. Thank you M.
Master of Production or neurotic behavior? August 5, 2018
A lot of to-do list stuff happening today, not exactly the restful Sunday I would prefer. It feels good to be busy, and I like the payoff of actually accomplishing a whole string of things, no matter how small, but I almost always feel like I'm going to miss or do something wrong. For good or bad, my "method" of working is: make obsessive lists [with post-its of course], worry, double check notes, research, repeat previous steps a few times, finish the work, realize all the worry and neurotic struggle was totally unnecessary, obsessively explore the worry and neurotic struggle, finally pass out.
Medium!!! August 6, 2018
Last week I got a message from the site Medium telling me that my stories had earned me $4.33. A small amount for sure but it was huge to get that news. I've posted six pieces so far and today I woke up to a posted comment and the discovery that I've gotten 124 'claps' for my most recent post over just three days. What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm fucking giddy — $4.33!!!! 124 claps!!!!
publishing Publications, August 7, 2018
All right so back to business today after the giddiness of yesterday. Actually yesterday transitioned into business-centered errand running so this is really just a continuation; I'm working on securing legal counsel to assist me with the contracts and release forms I'll need to use for publishing and production. Speaking of, today I'm meeting with a young artist whose work will be the sole subject of the premiere book by the GRAPHICPAINT Publishing imprint. Later this evening I'll be meeting again with Jeff SSB (Jeff, Who Writes Poetry) to curate a collection of his older poems, also for publication.
Vintage Poetry, August 8, 2018
Right at this very moment I am in possession of a hand-typed collection of poetry that is over 50 years old. The pages are yellowed and brittle, occasionally marked, illustrated or noted by hand. It is one of four volumes that has been temporarily loaned to me by Jeff SSB so that I might transcribe it and eventually (! so many many pages my God) publish it. Going through the pages I can see the raw naive writing of a man driven by poetic thought and without the censorship of age and experience. It is so ephemeral, rough and authentic, just holding it gives me goosebumps.
Doing things with peoples, August 9, 2018
It's nice to have plans — plans with people whose company I enjoy that is; I hate plans with people I'm 'meh' about. Doing things on my own so often means that when there are arrangements involving other human beings, well it's unusual and kind of a big deal.
The depletion of giving a fuck, August 10, 2018
There's some post circulating the internet with a quote from Jim Carrey about 'healing auras' and the dearth of broken people they attract. Maybe this is the reason why so many people I know reach out to me at bizarre [and inconvenient] times for guidance and support, attention and open ears? Am I cursed with this healing aura stuff? Sometimes it's all very helpful; takes my mind off my own issues which is great, but sometimes I just can't deal with other people's shit, I have barely enough support, attention, guidance, whatever, to offer myself let alone another person. In those times I have to just decline the call, ignore the text, or say goodbye and excuse myself if it's a face to face thing. Finally alone and in beautiful silence, I spend the next half hour sighing heavily and exhaling through my mouth with eyes closed. Eventually I recover.
The time I give things, August 11, 2018
Things really do take as long as I give them. As in, if I give myself two hours to do something, it will take two hours; if I give myself two weeks to do the very same thing, it will take two weeks. I'm beating myself up a bit about not publishing anything this week [other than these daily posts], but I've allotted this week in my production cycle as my off time, with a publishing deadline of Monday sooooo, not really surprising that I have nothing finished.
Back in the day, August 12, 2018
Back in Deposit NY, home of the lumberjack festival and my youth from 4th grade through the end of high school, there lies a lake. Ok there are actually two versions of a lake with Oquaga in the name, but the one in Deposit proper has a classic Catskills resort along the shore. Said resort, Scott's Oquaga Lake House, was selected as the backdrop for that show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, the trailer for season 2 recently appearing on the interwebs. I watched the teaser even though I've never seen the show, and boy did it bring back memories. As a teenager I worked there as a waitress, a lifeguard and a maid; the place is stuck in time and this tv series (at least as depicted in that short clip) really captured the whole thing. I'm feeling nostalgic now and it's fucking weird.
To Party or not to party, August 13, 2018
Every year around my birthday I wonder if I'm going to throw a party. More often than not I decide against it and the event comes and goes with little fanfare [or drama]. Then there are the years where I get all pumped to do something, generally every four years or so, and then I spend too many hours overplanning, overinviting, overstressing, over- everything in anticipation of something that's supposed to be fun and celebratory. It's been about four years so of course I've got the tickle to do a party. But this year I want to do it right, learn from my mistakes and all that. I'm planning to co-host it with a friend whose birthday is the day before mine in the most low-key possible fashion with as small a guest list as possible. But there's almost three weeks before the party, which is unfortunately plenty of time for me to turn into a planning-obsessed nut who turns everything low key into high stress.
Sayyyy, What are you doin' with that zucchini... August 14, 2018
Shout out to that moment when you send an email campaign which includes a link to your new post about Baby Zucchini and the only person who responds tells you they thought the post was going to be about the sexual things I was doing with said vegetables... They're just fucking delicious people, AS FOOD.