September 2018

Deep in the cream cheese, September 1, 2018

Last night I discovered I had been wearing my underwear inside out the whole day. I smoked a single cigarette after unsuccessfully wrapping up a post about following my gut that I've been working on for two weeks. It's been surprisingly difficult to capture the confusion and the nudges, the good and the bad. Maybe because I'm still in it deep like an onion in cream cheese? The work continues.

***

The Hunt for slut machine, September 2, 2018

I started reading Jezebel in the era of MySpace, which I only know because I have a vivid memory of filling out some "what celebrity would you like to meet" question and listing Slut Machine among my answers. Yesterday Slut Machine (aka Tracie Egan) popped into my mind and I started looking for her online to see what became of my early hero. Turns out she conceived of and launched the 'feminist' channel Broadly on Vice and co-wrote a book based on her old Jezebel Pot Psychology schtick. Somehow these findings haven't really satisfied me; I am both impressed and underwhelmed. Also a random recruiter reached out to me which is neither here nor there but it did happen in the same span of 24 hours as my Slut Machine dig so...

***

Aluminum and me, September 3, 2018

Deodorant is the devil right? The aluminum content will be the death of us all? Do you believe this? Do you get underarm cysts too? Despite exfoliating and after-shower spritzing with acne toner I've been getting them over and over the last few months [same old deodorant don't even ask]. It's depressing. And painful. And makes me consider my mortality. All around bummer. I fear I'm being tricked into smelling bad :(

***

a loss and a win, September 4, 2018

Well it's official, I miss having my hair pulled during sex. Everything else works the same but this is an aspect distinctly lacking. But, I have discovered that getting my bald rubbed makes me feel like a sexbot so I guess it evens out in the end.

***

Pancake Diet, September 5, 2018

Pancakes are becoming a real issue. So much so that I am seriously considering exploring a new lifestyle centered around eating only pancakes, the pancake diet! I've been doctoring the recipe I have to eliminate the sugar, double the salt and split the flour amount between a gluten-free mix and almond flour so, health food. Sometimes I make a quick "syrup" from a health pat of grass-fed butter and spoonful of raw honey in the hot pan after I'm done with the pancake-ing but often I just eat them as is [hence upping the salt]. That is all.

***

Off into the ether, September 6, 2018

So I finally updated my resume. To what end? Your guess is as good as mine. This site, this work, is still my main focus and passion but I've been getting approached more and more about potential jobs so why not? I really needed the motivation honestly; I've been meaning to do a thorough and worthwhile update for a few years now. We shall see where it all goes.

***

The death spiral, September 7, 2018

I feel like I'm spiraling. Even worse, the timing is such that I can be certain this is unrelated to hormone fluctuations. This whole updating-my-resume / approached-by-recruiter / now-applying-for-random-jobs thing has fucked my head up something awful. Yesterday I was pushing pushing to finish tweaking the language on my newly freshened CV, looking at the clock, noting that I was past due for the time I make the Daily Words update and asking myself why am I putting all of my energy into this shit? Being a results-oriented lady, of course I finished the revisions and then moved on, but for the entirety of the day, I kept sending off random applications asking myself all the while, why??? I inadvertently fell down another rabbit hole of self doubt and fear that I will never survive financially without a position working for someone else. It's kind of a dark time right now.

***

Just the tip, September 8, 2018

Yesterday I got my nails done for the first time since leaving my job. I had big intentions of keeping up with regular manicures, but for most of the summer the nail on my right middle finger was partially lifted off the bed and then started splitting and it just didn't seem right. Well I finally got sick of waiting for the nail to heal and figured if I did a gel mani that would hold it all together so the it could grow undisturbed; the nail guy had other ideas. I wound up assigned to the "tip master" and I got my first fake nail! It's exciting, disturbing and looks amazing.

***

Rip Van Brianne, September 9, 2018

There are some days when I only wake up because of an alarm and I wonder how long I would have slumbered if left uninterrupted; the longest stretch I've managed is just over 21 hours. The trick is to get up periodically to pee, but then get back in to bed immediately and commit to the snooze. Anyway, there are certain times of the month where I sleep more, or need sleep more? than others and I suspect I'm in the middle of one of those times because I feel like I could have done 16 hours easy today.

***

At least I am good at the doctor, September 10, 2018

One of the necessary evils of parenting a fur baby is the annual vet visit. That day has arrived yet again, and in exactly 43 minutes I will start the process of corralling/coercing/tricking/physically forcing both cats into my backpack carrier. Stop freaking out, one is literally half the size of the other, more like a squirrel really, and they fit comfortably inside the bag, all cozy like and able to comfort each other during the commutes to and fro. Only thing is, they are incredibly bad patients.

***

On this day, September 11, 2018

Well I had to bring my fur babies home in separate carriers and they're still not speaking to each other. In other news, I repaired my broken shower head all by myself and can stop taking bird baths as a means of cleaning my body. Aside from that, this dark and cloudy weather matches the date on the calendar.

***

Rejection is protection? September 12, 2018

I can’t help but think of that joke in Annie Hall, [paraphrased] “The food here is terrible, and the portions are so small!”. You see, I went through all this trouble to finally update my resume for the first time in about three years after receiving an email from a recruiter over Labor Day weekend; caught up in the momentum of applying for jobs, I submitted it to several other postings as well. Since then I have been shaming myself for doing so as none of the jobs were really anything I was particularly stoked about and I certainly don’t want to jump right back into the same nonsense I finally broke free of — but I haven’t heard anything back from any of them! So yes, I’m upset now because I’ve been rejected by things I didn’t want in the first place.

***

Shitty mood why you so shitty, September 13, 2018

The worst part about being in a shitty mood is hearing myself talk about being in a shitty mood. I buy into all that law of attraction stuff and fully believe I am only perpetuating my shitty mood by verbalizing my shitty mood. Also it’s just fucking boring. Also it doesn’t change anything. Also I make unhealthy food choices during these times. I think my time is up.

***

The Right to vote and cry, September 14, 2018

There was a primary election here in New York yesterday and thanks to having registered for a political party, I was able to take part. While not every candidate I supported won, a great deal of them did so perhaps the tides are turning even here. As per usual, my eyes welled up as soon as I got within 50 feet of the polling location. My weepiness continued until I was about the same distance away, post-ballot casting. The people who have the right to vote but choose not to exercise it, break my heart.

***

Storm King Walker, September 15, 2018

I’m going to Storm King today; somehow I’ve never been there before. Since I don’t know what I’ve been missing or what’s in store, the thing I’m looking forward to most is being active all day. Working from home has done quite a number on my daily step count and I feel it every day. Thank god I have my pancake diet to comfort me in these stressful times.

I’m gross but you probably are too right? September 16, 2018

It turns out I’m not the only person who wears their underwear more than once when dodging laundry day. Don’t be such a judgy hater you probably do it too or something equally gross. Anyway, the point is I need to wash my clothes. And figure out how my underwear inventory got so low in the first place.

***

The Plate Weighs a metric ton, September 17, 2018

Sometimes I look around my apartment and just sit dumbfounded by my own existence. Unable to move my body and powerless over the perpetual motion of my mind; I look around at the inevitability resulting from daily habits. Every month my recycling will become so burdensome I will need to use one of the building shopping carts to take everything downstairs in one shot. My dining room chairs will become my coatrack, bag shelf and general catchall for the detritus of my day. How long will that plate sit in front of me on the coffee table before I move it?

***

Sometimes, September 18, 2018

Sometimes I ask myself big questions and sometimes I just sit and let the thoughts cross through the expanse of my mind in loose roving formations. Sometimes this dreary rainy weather dictates the course of this behavior but other times it’s just green noise. Backdrops affect my interiors little.

***

Bone Broth Fast Fast, September 19, 2018

I’m starting a bone broth fast today. I used my trusty Instant Pot to speed up the process which would have otherwise taken about 10 hours. I’m taking this step to reset the poor direction in which my diet has gone; I’ve done it before and it really helps to get digestion back on track and eliminate the cravings that develop from eating unfortunate things, like daily pancakes. FYI, I used this recipe though there is an unfortunate amount of unnecessary information on the page so just scroll till you hit the ingredient list.

***

Tweeting At You, September 20, 2018

I got back on the Twitter yesterday. Previously I had used it primarily to yell at companies I was having customer service problems with, i.e., the cable company, Bloomingdales, stupid Dos Toros Tacos who have signs with one price but charge another at the register… That last one was fun; the rep mansplained sales tax to me after clearly not reading nor viewing the photographic evidence I submitted but anyway! I don’t want to get all bent out of shape again. I deleted all that old stuff and I’m focusing instead on relevant stuff: the absurd, offensive, mundane and amusing. @graphicpaint by the way.

***

63 Followers Bitches, September 21, 2018

Twitter is fucking exhausting. I thought it would be so much easier this time all around, me being so much more in touch with my “inner voice” and all that. And it’s not like I’m at a loss for opinions! Eh it will get easier I suppose. In the meantime it’s another avenue of broadcast with a currently minuscule audience that I am choosing to feed in good faith.

***

Yes I’ve been chubby-shaming myself, September 22, 2018

I’ve done two days of the bone broth fast and now I’m 100% fixed. Except I still look exactly the same! And I think maybe I’m not 100% fixed… So I’m rehydrating and simmering the leftover bones and stuffs to use the magic that results to keep eat with vegetables. Anyway yes, yes I wanted to fix my digestion and cravings and all that but I’ve also gotten a little more zaftig than I would like. A problem only because it takes hella work to get dressed because none of my clothes fit the new, more zaftig body properly and getting ready to leave the house becomes more exhausting than Twitter.

***

I Know I don’t know, September 23, 2018

Setting boundaries can be tough. Self care can be challenging. Practicing both of these things when dealing with my mother is monumental. Yesterday I attempted these things and it didn’t go so well; I paused and calmly stated my feelings, my side of the street. My anticipated outcome was a clearing of the air and a return to formerly established pattern of regular calls and occasional visits, pleasant yet superficial. Right now I don’t know where things stand but definitely not there.

***

Stupid Bus Sick, September 24, 2018

Well I’m sick. A friend of mine brought this into our shared world after traveling to and from New England by bus and nothing is going to convince me that’s not exactly where he picked it up. However, it is a relief to know this is why my body has been somewhat defunct so, silver lining.

***

The Little Things, September 25, 2018

There is nothing like being sick to make you really appreciate the little things. Like having two nostrils clear for breathing. Or having full-body equilibrium. Or being able to bend over without your nose running. You know, the things that make life worth living.

***

Furry Snoozeable Alarm Clocks, September 26, 2018

Well it happened; I successfully trained my cats to be snoozed for two hours upon waking me up at the crack of dawn to feed them. After shuffling them out of my room I closed the door and yelled “hit me up again in a couple hours! It’s too soon!” and lo and behold one hour and 58 minutes later they came back to scratch at my door. They are geniuses. Or I am.

***

Make that “furry Tricksters”, September 27, 2018

I lied. Or rather, I was deceived. Stupid cats don’t know shit and I spent nearly 40 minutes screaming at them to STOP SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR AND LEAVE ME ALONE! like a crazy person; I can only imagine what my neighbors must have thought walking by my front door. Between the yelling and the clapping for emphasis, sometimes throwing objects against the door — it all felt crazy and so surely it sounded crazy. And all because those furry little munchkins manipulated me into thinking they had been transformed into reliable and snoozeable alarms.

***

Fuck, September 28, 2018

Being sick this past week hasn’t been distraction enough from the shitshow that is Kavanaugh. I know many women who have felt triggered by these last few weeks but I am not one of them; I’ve merely been disgusted. Watching that hearing yesterday I had to mute the live broadcast multiple times just to allow my brain to continue functioning properly. And the laughter off screen once it was adjourned? Those smug, old, white men chuckling after such an event? That made my stomach lurch.

***

The funk of Funk, September 29, 2018

I’m in a funk and I have been for the past two weeks. Last night I used my God Box for the first time in months and today I leave the house for the first time since Sunday. Those things may sound insignificant but they’re not; I’m “moving a muscle, changing a thought” as a means of getting out of my funk. Also, if you’re wondering what the hell a ‘God Box’ is, just email me and I’ll explain…

***

Idle and Well, September 30, 2018

I’ve taken to reading just before bed each night, a ritual I haven’t engaged in regularly since I was a teenager. Right now I’m halfway through How To Be Idle by Tom Hodgkinson and it is delightful. Yes yes I was [am?] in a funk but reading this work has really inspired me to embrace the lazy tendencies that pop up like dandelions every few months.

Brianne McGuireComment