Sex Tips For When You're Too Tired To F*ck
*Originally published October 2018
Lifehacker recently published a post titled How to Give a Lazy Blowjob, which of course I read because I’m lazy, I give blowjobs and I love handy information. Reading the article made me realize how desperate the need for information on this topic, and even more so about lazy sex in general, not just oral sex specifically. And so here we are. I, lazy human and lover of sex, is here to save the day with some helpful tips for getting you or your partner off when you’re too tired to fuck.
**Each of these tips work are gender agnostic; if you are able to orgasm, these suggestions will work for you!**
1) Have your partner jerk off in front of you
This was also the first “tip” in the lazy blowjob guide, and for good reason — this is just about the best too-tired-for-sex trick around! Some people take a mouth-numbing amount of time to cum from oral sex, or any sex really, and in those cases the best thing for everyone is for them to bear the responsibility for their own orgasm. Just seductively ask them to rub their own dick or pussy while you watch. Some benefits of this technique are that you get to avoid lockjaw and have plenty of time to fish any stray pubic hairs from your mouth and throat. Plus, it’s hot as fuck to watch someone jerk off. At least it is for me. If you are full-body tired, not just mouth-tired, position yourself to be ogled. Make eye contact and look pretty and I’m sure your partner will appreciate it. If you want to do a little bit of work, get your face up in their junk and do some light licking or fingering.
When messing around with men, I think it’s a mutually beneficial compromise for the guy to jerk off into my mouth; he does nearly all the work while still having the pleasure of my mouth on his dick when he orgasms, which seems to be popular. Also popular, ejaculating on faces. If you don’t want to swallow that’s fine, it’s still sexy to keep your mouth close to someone’s nether regions; feeling hot breath on your most sensitive areas is delightful and very sexy. If you’re doing this with a man, listen closely to their breathing so you’re prepared for the big moment; semen will make your eyes red, puffy and irritated for hours so timing is very important!
2) Have your partner jerk off over you while you sleep
IMPORTANT NOTE: Only do this if you and your partner have discussed and mutually agreed upon the how and when to employ this technique. Guys especially, don’t just assume I’m advocating for you to do this when your partner has randomly fallen asleep and hasn’t explicitly granted permission. For this suggestion to work well, I recommend declaring specific “sexy sleep times” and deem all others as safe zones, i.e., no masturbating on your partner allowed.
This approach was born one morning while I was struggling to wake up and my partner was struggling with a giant erection. I had the brilliant idea that he straddle me and jerk off so I could keep snoozing. We both slept naked so this suggestion seemed natural and efficient; lucky for me he was super into it! He got his morning orgasm and I stayed well-rested. It became our regular morning routine and probably resulted in actual fucking about half the time, but the other half, oooh whee, acting as masturbation inspiration while getting to sleep in? The ultimate lazy sex. Unconventional perhaps, but you didn’t come here expecting me to suggest the missionary position right?
3) Have sex facing your partner, with your legs over their shoulders
Did I say I wouldn’t suggest the missionary position? Ok technically I’m not because this position is officially known as “legs on shoulders”, at least according to this site. Ok fine, that site also describes it as “a classic take on missionary” but whatever. My point is, this position offers the penetrating partner all the control, which means ALL THE WORK. This configuration is extremely versatile and can be used for both vaginal and anal intercourse, with or without a strap-on. Just don’t fall asleep because that will make your partner sad. Though considering the depth of penetration that results, odds are you’re gonna stay awake, especially if something is in your ass.
4) Masturbate in front of each other
All right, so there’s some work involved for you with this option, but at least you get to do it on your back with minimal muscle movement. If you’re feeling too lazy or tired to even jerk off, turn on some porn! Odds are your partner will be so distracted they won’t notice that you’re pretty much just lying still. Also don’t forget how distracting your own naked body is without even doing anything! Sometimes it’s enough to just pose a little, maybe roll around languidly [read: lazily], all while your partner takes care of their own orgasm. Remember, eye contact is your friend!!! Looking someone square in the eye is a surefire way to not only make things more sexy, but to keep their line of vision from noticing you’re not doing a goddamn thing.
5) Have your partner use toys on you
A lazy classic: lay back in your comfy bed, spread your legs and ask your partner to bring you to orgasm with a toy. This is of course assuming you have toys; if you don’t have toys, get toys, why don’t you have toys? Vibrators, dildos, nipple clamps, whips, whatever gets you off is what you should put into your partner’s hands. Tell them exactly what you want and empower them to get you off just the way you like it. Instruction can be very sexy — if you are new to this or just shy, start by keeping an even tone, speak in a low voice, and guide them with your words and hands on how to handle you properly. It can be tricky at first but don’t give up; if your partner isn’t doing something exactly the way you like and you don’t know how to explain, show them instead. Move their hands gently but firmly, and respond audibly when it’s right so they know what’s working. In the best cases, the partner will take control and show you a thing or two about getting off with your own toys.
6) Have your partner tie you up
The most classic of classics! How can you possibly do anything when you’re all tied up?? Ha ha such perfection. Your partner feels like a boss and you get to do absolutely nothing and it somehow makes the sex even hotter. There are so many different options with this technique, it all depends on how comfortable you and your partner are with BDSM.
The most innocent and safest method would be to have your partner tie only your arms, using something soft and easy to break free from — like loosely tied scarves or some sort of stretchy, fuzzy material — the restraints should be mostly for show so make sure your partner understands this when securing your limbs. It is absolutely possible to be seriously restrained with scarves, just FYI.
You can up the powerlessness and kink factor by increasing the number and strength of restraints: all limbs secured and splayed out, hogtied, suspended from the ceiling; the sky is truly the limit. Ropes and metal devices are easy to find and there is no shortage of how-to manuals online for tying a good knot or constructing a rope suit. Be sure to use a trustworthy handyperson if you decide to go the “suspended from the ceiling” route — no one wants to feel like a fat ass if they fall to the floor because of amateur installation work.
Given how lazy and sexual I am, it’s a little surprising to have only six tips to share, but have faith dear reader! There’s more loafing around and fucking in my future so it’s only a matter of time before I come up with at least six more.
Did I leave anything out? What are your tips and tricks for having sex when you’re too tired?