October 2018

Spinning out again, October 1, 2018

It’s one thing to be self employed, the master of my own time, and another to be so overly scheduled with volunteer commitments that it’s like having an outside position. But as time-consuming as these commitments are, they keep me sober and accountable. They also provide a distraction from my current mental tailspin so there’s that.

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The most Badass of Badasses, October 2, 2018

In an effort to replenish my creative spirit I went to see the Joan Jett documentary [Bad Reputation] last night. I was hoping that an hour and a half deep dive into a lady so badass and independent that she put out her own record after being rejected from 23 different labels would be nothing less than inspiring. The film did not disappoint.

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I Support Women, October 3, 2018

At this moment there’s not much worse than waking up to posts about Trump mocking Dr. Ford and knowing your own mother and father voted for the asshole. Couple that with images of the women in the audience behind him and it’s enough to start the day vomiting into my mouth.

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Spank bank restock, October 4, 2018

There’s nothing like running into an ex to get my lady juices flowing. Said individual was looking mighty fine and I couldn’t help but spend the entirety of our encounter reliving the surprisingly intense, physical aspects of our past relationship. We exchanged pleasantries. I went home and beat off.

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Amped, October 5, 2018

My headspace is 180 degrees different than it was five days ago. I’m actually amped up and excited right now and I can’t believe I really mean that. Granted, I am actively taking steps to do more and make changes, but the actions feel so simple it’s hard not to wonder what the hell was stopping me before.

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Damp, October 6, 2018

What a perfect dreary day to venture outside to go inside to sit in heat and steam and more heat. I’m headed to the schvitz, the bathhouse, the sauna; it’s going to be delightful. I’m going to practice self care in the face of all this governmental deterioration.

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don’t believe the hype, October 7, 2018

I’ve been experimenting with my diet and eliminating nearly all carbs but introducing goat or sheep or grass-fed cow cheese so I’m keto-esque-ish but, I think I made big mistake. Not really losing any weight even though I’m also moving a ton more and also now I am constipated. Funny, I don’t remember seeing anything about this issue in all my internet readings. Those keto people are dirty secret keepers.

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Candle this, October 8, 2018

What is it about candles? I find them irresistible yet I really have to push myself to use them. In the past month I’ve been much more diligent about lighting them for company but still working on feeling worthy of lighting them just for me. I blame this line of thinking on my Masshole friend who just texted me that he’s “candling” right now — rubbing it in and making me obsess about candle scents for no good reason.

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Twitter, have you changed? October 9, 2018

I had my first reply to a tweet from a complete and total stranger yesterday, not bad since only returning to the fold about two weeks ago. Twitter seems different though, in a way I can’t quite put my finger on, and it’s actually somewhat enjoyable, which it never was for me before. Ah the honeymoon phase…

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Sleep Orgy October 10, 2018

When I’m forced to work through a weekend, I have the incredibly mature reaction of turning the subsequent three days into an orgy of sleep. I don’t shower or change or do much of anything really; I wind up “weekending” harder than I would on a normal weekend and it’s a shitshow when I need to return to normal life.

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Vegan nightsaver October 11, 2018

Last night I got into an argument with an idiot and had my first scoops of Van Leeuwen [vegan] ice cream — the two events are not unrelated. I stumbled upon the famed shop after storming off in a different direction from the idiot and the scene of our argument, part deux; an overpriced but delicious non-dairy delight at 12:52am was the nightsaver I needed.

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Writing Salve, October 12, 2018

Sometimes I write about things that make people so uncomfortable they call to see how I’m doing. Or text. Always to check if I’m ok. And I’m always ok because I wrote about it. They should be worrying about the things I haven’t written about. Not really. But maybe.

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Tango is for saturdays, October 13, 2018

Two nights in a row I’ve gone to bed at a normal time and it’s unsettling. What’s even more unsettling is being awake and writing since 9am and listening to Gidon Kremer tango music. Wait, did I say unsettling? I mean transfixing.

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Climate Change Is real, October 14, 2018

Inside my apartment I sweat when the heats on and freeze when it’s off; outside I freeze while I walk and then sweat when I’m on the subway — there’s no winning! Ugh my armpits right now.

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Endless Ducks, October 15, 2018

So many ducks to align these days. I’m experiencing another dose of self doubt right now so it’s immensely helpful to have tasks to keep me going and provide an active distraction. Those fucking ducks though — they won’t stay in a row for shit. Or maybe they’re new ducks? I can’t even tell anymore.

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Spiders and Money, October 16, 2018

I dreamt of spiders and money. There I was, hosting get togethers with people I knew, people I didn’t; closets were everywhere and part of the “event space.” Despite the wealth of closets and items, there was a sense that I had just completed a major reorganization and possible purge. Spiders were visible at some points and not at others — the changes I sensed probably stirred them from within the walls. All through the night people paid me for the experience of being in the space, in cash, just before leaving. I can’t remember ever dreaming about money in this way.

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Lapweight, October 17, 2018

My lips are chapped and the decision to get up and go do something, like grab lip balm, is monumental in this moment. The welfare of others hangs in the balance. That’s right, there is a cat sitting on my lap. Ok it’s gone now; the mulling must have disturbed the delicate creature. In freedom I rejoice.

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Ooooh You Do Laundry Wow, October 18, 2018

I was about to comment on someone’s Instagram post [of Leonard Cohen washing his own clothes in a laundromat while on tour] that “I wash my own clothes too”, as in “dude wtf is a big deal”. And then I remembered I haven’t done laundry for over a month, I’ve been out of clean underwear for weeks and it’s only the fact that tights season is upon us that has kept me from buying new knickers. Because I really don’t feel like washing my own clothes.

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Drooling, October 19, 2018

Eegads how many minutes upon minutes have I wasted with the ‘food’ filter on Instagram explore?? And why why whyyyy do I keep doing it on an empty stomach? If this behavior isn’t an airtight demonstration of masochism I don’t know what is. FYI, @hungrycommunities has a pic of a fried chicken sandwich oozing cheese and stuffed with bacon that is so big the guy can’t even hold it properly. Today this is my dream, that sandwich, in my mouth.

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All the feels, October 20, 2018

I rewatched Bridesmaids last night; I don’t know if it was the period hormones surging through my body but I found it even funnier than I did the first time. I laughed and even cried and then once it was time for bed, I spent nearly an hour nostalgically recounting my 11- to 19-year old life. Then the nausea hit me and I was absolutely sure it was the period hormones surging through my body.

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Pandering, October 21, 2018

I use a period tracking app — Eve — it’s useful in distinguishing emotional patterns and spikes in my appetite. It has a whole bunch of other features, of which I use none; my choice of is purely utilitarian. Out of curiosity I perused the selection of topics on the home page, some type of “community” nonsense. I was appalled to see that a link to a poll querying: “Would you rather give up oral sex (both ways) or all kinds of cheese?” had 729 THOUSAND views — what the actual fuck ladies?

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Podcast Solution, October 22, 2018

Anyone else out there obsessed with podcasts? I started with ‘Stuff You Should Know’, which I still LOVE, but lately I’m hooked on listening to shows aimed at inspiring and informing independent creatives and entrepreneurs. Right now ‘Creative Empire’ is on heavy rotation; the episodes are sometimes the only thing able to break my self-doubt cycles.

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Mail Mess, October 23, 2018

Organized about many things but a hot mess about others, I have just ordered my 2nd replacement card for Enterprise CarShare. I ordered the initial replacement this summer, never used it and already lost it not even six months later; God knows where the original went. Today’s early morning search was a painful reminder that my mail-keeping habits are atrocious. Am I the only one who keeps unopened mail in a bag in a closet?

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Thank you fall weather, October 24, 2018

Period underwear and black tights are still carrying me through this no-laundry cycle. I may be nearing my all-time record for number of weeks gone without washing clothes but who knows? This isn’t the kind of thing I remember to note in my calendar, though I probably should…

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bad decisions, October 25, 2018

Got my nails done last night and I made a bad choice. If you’ve ever gotten a gel manicure then you know not only do I have to live with it, but I have to live with it for WEEKS because that shit lasts forever. I went with a metallic peach and I hate it. The worst part is I think I’ve done this before.

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Loose-but-honest lips, October 26, 2018

Am I the only one who finds it impossible to answer a direct question dishonestly? I stand behind my willingness to share the brutal truth, but I often question WHY I shared something. It’s both an instinct and a reflex and a principled approach to respond with complete honesty but still, I should be able to manage at least a bit of discretion. Right? I’m really only questioning this because I shared something last night that had to do with another person and I feel uneasy about not keeping my mouth shut.

I don’t go out when it rains, October 27, 2018

It’s been raining here in New York since last night. Right now it’s windy and wet and all sorts of miserable outside and I am very seriously considering changing my plans to meet a friend later purely because I don’t want to walk around in this mess. This is me being very reasonable.

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I guess i do go out when it rains, October 28, 2018

Well I toughed it out; I kept my word and spent a collective hour walking through the drizzle over the course of a very long day. Probably spent an additional six or seven hours transcribing a near 200-page volume of poetry [Jeff SSB], but that’s a story for another day.

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More More More! October 29, 2018

I just drank my coffee so fast that I didn’t even mentally register the experience. I literally just reached down for my cup, which was completely empty, convinced that I had forgotten it and was about to chug a cold cup of java. Instead I got no java. Balls! What I wouldn’t give for a never-ending cup of coffee…

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Vet Day—Part II, October 29, 2018

I’m taking both fur babies back for their annual dental cleanings today. Got up extra early to dose them with a mild sedative so they don’t make themselves sick with fear [they are the worst patients EVER]. The big one is now hiding under my bed and I’m not positive I gave him enough of the calm-down juice since I added too much water to the pill mix, making two syringe’s worth instead of one. Fingers crossed he comes into the bathroom for my shower like he usually does; I’ll have the remaining goo all ready to go on the sink.

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Procrastinate Much? October 31, 2018

I don’t give a single fuck about Halloween. Unfortunately I have several friends who are hellbent on celebrating tonight and I’ve been sucked into participating. To make matters worse, I have publicly committed to dressing as a local West Village character and this involves making a costume with my own two hands. I have four hours before I need to leave and I haven’t started yet.

Brianne McGuireComment