December 2019
Spocking Fives, December 1, 2019
You already know Canadians are among the best people on the planet, but today’s news will cement their status as THE best: Canadians are “spocking” 5-dollar notes! What the fuck is spocking? Well a former Prime Minister looks eerily like Spock, he just needs a little help to get there. So, people have taken to drawing in the hairline, eyebrows and ears of Spock on said notes, i.e., “spocking.” Check it out on HuffPo.
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NOW I Can Feel Good, December 2, 2019
As if the internet couldn’t get any more stupid, there’s a post on Elle.com about how the messy rooms of Instagram influencers could be saving us one selfie at a time. Apparently messy rooms negates the insecurity-rousing effects of stylish, beautiful people posting images of themselves as stylish and beautiful. So what does this mean for the people with neat and tidy rooms, humble looks and low style? Hmmm, it’s a headscratcher.
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Beautiful And Painful, December 3, 2019
The Los Angeles Times reported a story about a janitor who saved and photographed the confiscated belongings of migrants; the pics are beautiful, tragic, flat lays in the style of Instagram. I find personal collections endlessly fascinating but the circumstances under which the collections were discovered makes viewing the images quite painful. See for yourself.
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TIDAL What? December 4, 2019
Remember something called TIDAL? Some overpriced streaming service owned by Jay-Z? Probably not as it was one of the many streaming services that emerged and fizzled in popularity amidst the existing, well-performing, and just plain better heavy hitters like Spotify — but maybe you do remember TIDAL because apparently it still exists and people are paying for it? No matter! The point is this: in 2017 Jay-Z pulled all of his work off Spotify to be available exclusively on TIDAL, but well well well, Jay-Z turned 50 today and in honor of the milestone he just released his entire discography ON SPOTIFY.
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The Muppet Show Theme Is… December 5, 2019
It’s that time of year when Spotify reveals the reality of one’s listening habits in the form of a “Your Top Songs 2019” playlist [see mine]. They also make a mobile “story” of sorts with deets like your “#1 artist” and how many countries the songs you listened to were from etc. One important, awful discovery is that the Muppet Show Theme Song wound up smack in the middle of my playlist all thanks to my roommate repeatedly asking my Google speaker to “play the Muppets theme” as a superfun way to wake me up in the morning.
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Ri Ri Inspo, December 6, 2019
How about this for inspiration: Rihanna began this decade nearly bankrupt and will be ending it a multi-millionaire, a $600+ [million] millionaire to be exact. If this news doesn’t encourage you to keep the faith I don’t know what will. Ok yes I am largely writing this for my own benefit because I waver ALL THE TIME. Anyway!
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The Butt Plugs Of Xmas Dreams, December 7, 2019
Kim K [W] has revealed her 2019 holiday decorations so unless you already know what I’m talking about you should stop what you’re doing and peep this IG story and very important report on People.com. The Cliff Notes version is that she has installed a number of white, person-size butt plugs along the walls of her home, festive!
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Are We Really Still Talking About This? December 8, 2019
The internet must truly be broken as CNfuckingN is reporting on that fucking Peloton ad. “The Peloton Wife Speaks Out!” OMG really?! Read it for yourself — in a nutshell, the actress is “overwhelmed” by the response but “thankful” for opportunities and how awesome the Peloton people were blah blah blah. Can we move on already and continue not working out?
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Big Bird Is Dead, Long Live Big Bird, December 9, 2019
Sesame Street was a foundational part of my childhood. I pity kids these days, only having access to it if their parents are shelling out for HBO; it is some supreme classist bullshit to restrict access to something so fundamental, so formative and valuable but that’s neither here nor there. The dear voice of both Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch has passed away at 85. Yes, others have been working the puppets for some time but it feels like losing a grandfather or beloved uncle. RIP Carol Spinney.
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‘They’ It Is, December 10, 2019
I was going to share with you that Dictionary.com announced ‘existential’ as the word of 2019 and call it a day but then I discovered that Merriam-Webster announced a completely different word of the year so here we are! Welcome to the battle of ‘existential’ vs. ‘they!’ Or more practically, a battle between methodologies of selection. After some digging it appears the former word space made their selection based on an ephemeral sense of the world while the latter used cold hard data. Is my language telling of my allegiance?
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Go Greta, December 11, 2019
Greta Thunberg is the Person Of The Year for 2019 according to Time Magazine. This is important not only because she is so young, inspiring, compelling, passionate, etc. but because she is so effectively gathering attention for a cause for which we should all be fighting. Also her place of origin; Sweden is not only home to Greta, but a female-led government, and I hear their fish are pretty dope.
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Important Wearable Stuffs, December 12, 2019
2.1K people are actually tweeting about the legitimacy of women wearing leggings to work after The Atlantic published an article on this very topic. I don’t work in an office anymore and could give a fuck but maybe you have strong opinions and want to weigh in? In more important garment news, Nike released a swimmable hijab as part of a new line of modest waterwear which is information I find infinitely more noteworthy.
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I Know “Cats,” December 13, 2019
That trailer for the Cats movie that just won’t go away… in an interview out on Variety yesterday, the producers claim “…Among people who know ‘Cats,’ the reaction was pretty solid.” Ahem, I am familiar with Cats, at least the classic musical version which I saw in person at the age of 11 and have loved ever since, and I AM DISTURBED by the trailer and every single thing about it. Granted, I would describe my feelings as “solid” but I doubt the producers are referring to the commitment of one’s feelings and more to an informal reference of support. Or maybe they are because they probably need to spin their language to sound positive in any way they can.
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I Call Bullshit, December 14, 2019
An airport in Lithuania crafted a Christmas tree entirely out of confiscated items, or so they say. I call bullshit on this claim due to the convenient wealth of scissors which compose the bulk of the creation. Pocketknives, sure. Nail files, even better. But scissors? The makers call this piece “educational” and to me all it says is that people are stupid if so many flyers think it’s necessary to bring scissors when traveling. Yes, people are stupid, but this stupid? It doesn’t add up.
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Suspect… December 15, 2019
December is all about reflecting on the past 11 months which can be good or bad, whatever. It’s also a time of “best of…” articles popping up all over the interwebs which is how I came to learn of the existence of this photo — an image of two mice fighting on the platform of a London subway train. I call bullshit on this too! Check out the image and tell me that thing does not look staged using fake mice. Seriously, I will wait.
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Ads For Everyone! December 16, 2019
If you were up in arms about the Hallmark channel banning the ad with lesbians you can relax, it’s back in their rotation. If you were up in arms about the Hallmark channel airing an ad with lesbians then you should freak out again, it’s back in their rotation. If you are a reasonable, tolerant human being then continue not giving a fuck about the wishy washy, homophobic actions of one television channel out of a kajillion.
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What The Fucking What, December 17, 2019
I just read an article about how one is finally able to jack off while riding a Peloton — I had assumed it would be about some plugin to stream porn with a screen-within-a-screen kinda thing while you’re watching an instructor but oh no! Turns out some company is manufacturing a seat that holds a vibrator so women can be penetrated while spinning! What????? THIS SOUNDS AWFUL, and this is coming from a woman who loves penetration. How can any human, female or otherwise, possibly spin and compete and get off all at the same time?! It’s madness I say, true madness.
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What A Time To Be Alive! December 18, 2019
Oh lord so many useless newsish items to report! KKW confirms at least one of her children was Photoshopped into holiday card, Adam Driver walks out of NPR interview, some Bravolebrities split up, Trump wrote a bonkers 6-page letter to Pelosi, 16-year old kidnapping victim may have staged her own abduction, and on and on. BUT amidst all of that one thing has risen to the top: this footage of the most mindblowing, lifechanging, gift-wrapping hack of all time. Enjoy!
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‘Present’ For Something, December 19, 2019
Someone got impeached last night! Big news! What is also news is the singular vote of ‘present’ by one Tulsi Gabbard; apparently she believes Trump is guilty but to put her money where her mouth is would be too… responsible? She describes her vote as being demonstrative of not thinking it’s appropriate to remove a President for any reason whatsoever or some such nonsense. I’ve read several articles recounting her explanation and it seems to boil down to, we elected someone to this position and we must suffer the consequences whatever they may be, which is the most ridiculous and dangerous thinking I can imagine for any government official. But we elected her so I guess we just have to suffer the consequences right?
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Feminism? December 20, 2019
A biochemist was crowned Miss America last night which means we should definitely care more about science because a very pretty woman is talking about it. Performing a slightly more academic / adult version of the classic children’s “baking soda volcano”, she poured one chemical into three different flasks of ordinary liquids to produce a mesmerizing colored foam. Described by the internet as an “onstage experiment” rather than a more accurate, “demonstration,” lives were changed simply by watching a chemical reaction. Wow.
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Baby’s First Space Force, December 21, 2019
Um, so, that space force thingy appears to be happening — or at least on its way to happening. Trump signed a bill funding its development last night after it passed through both the House and Senate earlier this month. A space force. I don’t know that there’s much to say because there are so many other unfunded things to worry about, you know environmental protections, drinking water, the right to choose, health care; that sort of nonsense.
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When Eddie Came Back, December 22, 2019
I watched an entire episode of Saturday Night Live as it aired for the first time in maybe a decade and I’m as divided as the internet on the success. The return of Eddie’s classic SNL characters in the context of 2019 was provocative, still relevant, still funny; at times I wondered if anyone would have the balls to conceive of these characters right now if not for their decades prior creation. The apparent full-improv Gumby bit during Weekend Update was the highlight of the whole show for me but in general I couldn’t help but register that besides moments and nostalgia and envelope pushing, Saturday Night Live has really low standards and expectations of what’s funny. All in all I watched and I’m happy I did; now I can go back to ignoring it for the next 10 years.
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Happy Festivus! December 23, 2019
It’s the most wonderful day of the year: the official day of Festivus! And also… the birthday of both Eddie Vedder AND my very own father, a Festivus miracle! But seriously, not sure how I made it three decades without knowing the Pearl Jam frontman shared this day with both my dad and favorite winter holiday but whatever, I know now so let’s celebrate! Don a flannel and wrestle someone you love.
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How Many Pounds Of Cookie Dough Equals 3 Stones? December 24, 2019
Adele is rocking a post-split glow up and I have mixed feelings. She looks incredible now, she looked incredible several years ago — what’s troubling is the outpouring of validation regarding her appearance that has come with weight loss as if she is better because she’s thinner. Regardless of my thoughts, or anybody’s, it seems clear she has changed her outward self for reasons entirely her own and those are the only ones that matter. Of course this is really hard news to receive on a holiday when I’m trying to decide between broth fasting and making a batch of cookies. Thanks a lot Adele.
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This Kills Christmas, December 25, 2019
I was focused on settling into Christmas — watching holiday movies, eating an entire batch of red sugar-topped cookies, sleeping in, the usual — and then I saw this horrifying clip from the Cats movie on Twitter. Is this how Christmas dies?
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But The Pig Dies… December 26, 2019
It’s been a slow week with little of note to report, that is until this nugget emerged: of all the classic works of literature for the Muppets to adapt, Stephen King would most like to see them take on Lord of the Flies. This revelation makes me wonder if Mr. King has some issue with Miss Piggy? I can’t imagine things going well for her in any version of the story.
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A Pig That Was Pardoned, December 27, 2019
Edward Gallagher is back in the news after the testimonies of several Navy SEALs who served under him have been made public. The accounts are sickening. Keep in mind this is the same person pardoned for his war crimes by Trump, who stated "I stuck up for three great warriors against the deep state.” as he defended his actions on behalf of Gallagher, Army Maj. Mathew Golsteyn and Army Lt. Clint Lorance. Each of the three men in question were charged with heinous acts committed oversees, each in Middle Eastern countries.
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Bubkas, December 28, 2019
I couldn’t find anything I deemed worth reporting on or giving a shit about. Happy Saturday.
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Baby Wanda, December 29, 2019
There’s a baby that looks like Wanda Sykes and now Wanda Sykes knows all thanks to the miracles of Twitter. It’s adorable, just check it out.
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SHARON STONE IS ON BUMBLE, December 30, 2019
Sharon Stone is on motherfucking Bumble. I know this not because I am also on Bumble [I’m not] but because someone I follow liked her tweet calling out Bumble for closing her account after people reported her as a fake. Sharon Stone is on motherfucking Bumble! Anyway, she’s unblocked now so good luck to all the bumblers trying to get with that.