January 2020
January 1-7, 2020
Holiday recovery, nothing happened on the internet…
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This Is Not News, January 8, 2020
Rihanna has a single pimple on her chin and Jezebel published a post about it [https://theglowup.theroot.com/rihanna-and-i-both-started-2020-with-pimples-on-our-chi-1840854605]. Now I am writing about it. 2020 is already sad as fuck people because A SINGLE PIMPLE IS NOT NEWS. If Rihanna had posted an IG pic of her face covered with multiple pimples THAT would be something. Have I mentioned that my own face is covered with pimples? It’s shitty.
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Gotta Spend Money To Make Money Amirite? January 9, 2020
It’s being reported that a Chinese casino paid $70 MILLION for a 15-minute movie by Scorsese. Ok further research reveals that the “movie” is really an “advertisement” and the whole thing is just hinky as fuck no matter how you look at it. The marketing ploy stars De Niro, DiCaprio and Pitt as themselves; the location is, you guessed it, the casino that paid $70 MILLION.
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Shocks No One, January 10, 2020
Marianne Williamson, surprising Presidential candidate, has officially ended her campaign. Of course this comes many days after laying off the majority of her staff but aside from that I can’t imagine anyone is surprised. Ms. Williamson has some lovely messaging but… anyway, BERNIE 4 LIFE.
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Big Decisions, January 11, 2020
Today in news more important than climate change and war, Gal Gadot has dethroned Jennifer Anniston as Smartwater spokesperson. This is a big deal because I only choose beverages based on the celebrities endorsing them.
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What The Climate Fuck, January 12, 202
It snowed in Texas Saturday; meanwhile in NYC it is a balmy 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Also the Australia is on fire. Also a million other things that are no real surprise given that CLIMATE CHANGE is real fucking thing.
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Plantfluencer? January 13, 2020
Never mind that the Oscar noms don’t include a single female director, the big news today is this $6 sprig of fake eucalyptus hawked by Chip and Joanna Gaines via Target. Reminds me of the $30 birch twigs sold by Crate and Barrel except those are actually REAL. Ugh! Anyway! The whole thing is insane.
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1st Annual Elsie Awards, January 14, 2020
Surprising no one, the Oscar noms were presented yesterday and not a single female director was included despite multiple films in the Best Picture category were directed by women. Let’s not dwell on the other, obvious snubs throughout the remaining categories. No no, let’s focus instead on this: young Elsie Fisher just announced the first annual Elsie Awards and her list of nominees; winners announced later today 9pm PST.
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And The Winner Is… January 15, 2020
The Elsie Award Winners were announced last night; I would be remiss if I told y’all bout the nominees and then dipped on the winners so! Best Picture went to The Farewell [yay Awkwafina :)] which I think is the most important and relevant winner which means this is also the only champion I will mention. Feel free to peruse the rest on Twitter.
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Tasting The Rainbow, January 16, 2020
Yesterday it was reported that a Christian school in Kentucky expelled a young girl for celebrating her birthday with a rainbow cake. No longer just a fun and happy symbol, the rainbow apparently ALWAYS and ONLY represents a queer identity — at least according to the school. Absurdity abounds in all places.
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What’s Really Important Is… January 17, 2020
Today in pressing internet news, Matthew McConaughey set his mom up with Hugh Grant’s dad, awww! I mean, yeah, some machine kept a liver alive outside a human body for a week but c’mon! Love! Adorable parent setups! Hot celebrities! Clearly the McConaughey / Grant thing is way more important.
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On This Day, January 18, 2020
Women are marching, police are throwing rocks at protesters, and January weather has finally found its season.
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Impressive? January 19, 2020
iTunes — meh right? Also who even buys things there anymore? This guy! And not only iTunes, strippers and sports bars! To the tune of $185,000!!! OF GRANT MONEY!!!! He’s been arrested.
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Speaking of MLK, January 20, 2020
Holidays mean different things to different people and that’s fine. What’s not fine is Kellyanne Conway comparing Trump’s actions to this of Dr. King and even further, that MLK would not have supported the current impeachment inquiry.
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Hug, Hugging, Whatevs, January 21, 2020
Assuming you’re not at all concerned about non-consensual touching, maybe you should hug a stranger today! I’m not just being inflammatory, it is for reals National Hug Day because this is apparently a thing. Important note: most of the internet is using the singular ‘hug’ but apparently the guy who started it used ‘hugging’ so choose for yourself.
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Is This The Only Way The Dodgers Can Win? January 22, 2020
Do you know what city councils do? According to Wikipedia, “ The Council monitors the performance of city agencies and makes land use decisions as well as legislating on a variety of other issues. The City Council also has sole responsibility for approving the city budget.” OR if you’re in Los Angeles, work to pass a resolution to urge the MLB to go back in time and declare the Astros and Red Sox losers of their respective World Series championships and give the wins to the Dodgers instead. And then you hold a flashy press conference so all the world can see what you really spend your time on.
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What Does Hair Have To Do With Graduation? January 23, 2020
A young man in Texas has been suspended because due to the length of his locks. Even more infuriating, he won’t be allowed to walk in his own graduation ceremony unless he cuts his hair. Of the many MANY obstacles and instances of discrimination that men of color face, this is comparatively minor but no less awful. Still this shit about HAIR? REALLY?!
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“Banking While Black” Is A Thing, January 24, 2020
Another day, another [nationally reported] instance of discrimination against a person of color. Sauntore Thomas settled one racial discrimination suit only to be put in a position to start another. Why? Because he tried to cash his settlement check and the bank called the goddamn cops on him after assuming he was attempting to commit check fraud. “Banking while black” is apparently a thing. Fucking America.
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Wait, These Are Two Different People?! January 25, 2020
Channing Tatum, national treasure, is apparently back with Jessie J. I’m only calling this out because 1) it’s new news and 2) it prompted the discovery that Jessie J and Jenna Dewan are not the same person. Ok sure, they don’t look alike, but all the J names! Hella confusing. Anyway! Now you know.
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The Most Terrifying Thing Today, January 26, 2020
White House faith advisor Paula White preaching QUOTE: “We command all satanic pregnancies to miscarry right now.” That really says it all doesn’t it? Talk about good Christian values…
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The Most Inspiring Thing Today, January 27, 2020
There’s been a lot of darkness in the world and on the internet, but also this: a person was trapped under and SUV at a busy NYC intersection after the driver tried to get away post-impact and a shitload of people ran over to help. Said shitload of people lifted the car, dragged the victim out and then quickly dispersed for other more important NYC things.
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Not The Bad Guy, January 28, 2020
Success is hard! Saying this without sarcasm BTW. Anyway! I bring this up because a certain clip of Billie Eilish chanting “please don’t be me” before winning ANOTHER Grammy is circulating the interwebs.
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Maybe The Bad Guy, January 29, 2020
Remember when Kobe was accused of rape? Judging by the overwhelmingly small amount of info currently circulating I will guess no. Some people do remember so let’s not forget. Also, how about that Washington Post reporter who tweeted about it, got suspended and then reinstated? Amazing.
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Well-Played Popeyes, January 30, 2020
Popeyes or Ivy Park? The fast-food chain is giving Beyoncé a run for her money! Not sure I would but from either collection but I have mad respect for marketing flex.
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No Love Lost, January 31, 2020
What’s bad is good depending on your perspective right? So says Secretary Wilbur Ross regarding the global emergency that is the coronavirus because it will "…help to accelerate the return of jobs to North America." He sounds like a lovely, caring, empathetic man who is not at all terrifying.