February 2020
Those Sexy Pinched Fingers, February 1, 2020
There are new emojis! And one of them is for fisting! Or indication of the Italian “ma che vuoi” [or “what do you mean?”] or some such bullshit. But really, for fisting. Check it out.
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On This Day… February 2, 2020
Yeah yeah, Groundhog Day, the Superbowl, blah blah whatever. Today’s real news is that for the first time in 909 years it is a true international Palindrome Day! Whether you write the date the right way or the wrong way, shit is the same in either direction. Some pig.
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How To Make #Sharpie Trend, February 3, 2020
Remember when Trump used a Sharpie to “enhance”/alter/whatever, a hurricane map? Of course you do, that shit trended so fast! Well here we are again with another #sharpie trend because the POTUS tweeted a congratulatory tweet to the Kansas City Chiefs and “the great state of Kansas,” clearly before someone informed him that the Kansas City in question was actually in the great state of Missouri.
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Alcoholic Only In My Brain? February 4, 2020
Some scientist got a brain implant to battle his alcohol addiction. As an alcoholic in recovery my first reaction is of course, go to any lengths to avoid doing some emotional, spiritual work! Classic alcoholic behavior! I have nothing but snark for this sorry. The end.
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Pete Or Pelosi? February 5, 2020
I’m not sure what is more amusing, Pete Rose’s 20-page petition to be reinstated or Nancy Pelosi tearing up Trump’s SOTU speech. It’s a glorious day on the internet!
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These Things Have Shit In Common, February 6, 2020
People in Hong Kong are panic-buying toilet paper amid rumors of shortages and POTUS was acquitted in a sham trial and is acting like a dick. The internet is broken today, my spirit with it.
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Not A Joke, February 7, 2020
The border wall has always been a joke. An awful and disturbing joke but a joke nonetheless. But right now protected Native American lands and national monuments are being destroyed to proceed with construction of said joke wall and that’s not a joke. It IS awful and disturbing.
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Gated Community = Prison, February 8, 2020
Bill Cosby lives in a “penthouse” within “a gated community,” didn’t you know? These are the exact words used by the incarcerated comedian when responding to Snoop Dogg’s plea to “free bill cosby” earlier in the day amid the whole Gayle King-Kobe Bryant nonsense which essentially boils down to: black women ain’t shit so leave black men alone no matter what horrific things they do.
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Those Face Masks, February 9, 2020
There’s a shortage of face masks right now but don’t worry, the kind that’s sold out doesn’t do shit against the Coronavirus! So don’t be one of those people who puts one on their dog or wears one everywhere because you are wasting your time. Also your money. You should spend it on a fancy schmancy one that costs twice the price. Or maybe never leave the house.
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Those International Oscars, February 10, 2020
So Parasite made history; something I predicted and was sure already happened — the whole “win best international picture AND best picture” thing a la Life Is Beautiful. Only the latter never happened! Said Italian movie came real close but only won the international picture category not the whole shebang; but for reals I fully and wholly remember that Oscars year like it did! In other words, do the actual wins even matter??
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Oy Indeed, February 11, 2020
As a Larry David fan and Curb Your Enthusiasm enthusiast, I watch the new episodes immediately. And all the way through. This is an important detail because if you don’t watch an episode all the way through, or maybe you just see a clip, you don’t get the full picture. Case in point, Trump tweeted a snippet of Season 10, Episode 1, wherein Larry wears a MAGA hat with the caption, “TOUGH GUYS FOR TRUMP!” Yes, the biker in said clip is obvs a supporter, but to turn such a blind eye to the full content of the episode is just absurd.
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Everything Old Is New Again, February 12, 2020
It’s Galentine’s Day! Perhaps you would like to call your best gal pal on this delightful new-but-old-but-still-new cellphone with a rotary dial? I must admit, having grown up with a rotary dial, there is a certain attraction to this thingamajig… nevertheless it looks bulky as fuck and I do enjoy my cellphone distractions so, hard pass.
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Everything Old Is New Again, February 13, 2020
It’s Galentine’s Day! Perhaps you would like to call your best gal pal on this delightful new-but-old-but-still-new cellphone with a rotary dial? I must admit, having grown up with a rotary dial, there is a certain attraction to this thingamajig… nevertheless, it looks bulky as fuck and I do enjoy my cellphone distractions so, hard pass.
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Throuples For The Win, February 14, 2020
On this bullshit Hallmark holiday about “love,” let’s turn our hearts and minds to all the many many types of relationships that exist — like polyamory! HGTV’s House Hunters is doing it, so should you! WTF am I talking about? Haven’t you heard they just aired an episode with a throuple looking for a three-sink vanity in the en suite???
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Awwww, February 15, 2020
John Leguizamo is all of us — at least “all of us” in terms of folks who commute by train. Mr. Adorable fell asleep on the subway and some fortunate soul captured it for everyone to enjoy.
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Outrage? February 16, 2020
This is an actual headline trending in my Twitter feed: “People are outraged that Aaron Gordon lost the Dunk Contest…” It continued with the word “again,” which I learned after clicking on the clickbait after saying to myself, “I’m not outraged at all, who gives any fucks about a dunk contest right now.” Well! Now that I am up to speed, I wouldn’t say I’m outraged but certainly sympathetic to the outraged. In a nutshell, some dude over 7 feet tall won over another dude not nearly as tall who apparently is beloved and also pretty sweet with dunking. Also this not-as-tall man suffered the indignity of being the runner-up once before.
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Doggo! February 15, 2020
Animals on the field at sporting events is always a winning piece of internet news, at least in my opinion. Case in point, this adorable doggo attempting to insert himself into a soccer match in Istanbul before being carried off by a player. Adorbs.
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Tasteless Joke From A Tasteless Woman, February 16, 2020
Wendy Williams is a real love-her or hate-her kinda gal; personally I am on the hate-her end of the spectrum. And her behavior on Monday’s episode of her show regarding the untimely death of Aime Harwick only deepened my disdain. The description of her attempt at humor: first she uttered “Come on down!” as reference to the victim’s former engagement to Price Is Right host Drew Carey AND THEN “Williams also tilted her head from looking upward down to the floor, seemingly referencing Harwick’s fall.” Disgusting.
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Media Jackass / Murderer, February 19, 2020
As if it wasn’t bad enough the George Zimmerman needlessly killed an innocent young Trayvon Martin, he can’t seem to stop reinserting himself into the media to remind us all. Well it continues — he is suing Elizabeth Warren and Pete Buttigieg for a total $245 million dollars after they tweeted tributes on the anniversary of Trayvon’s death.
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#Bloombefg, February 20, 2020
#Bloombefg is trending (mildly) because some right-wing blogger for the Washington Post accidentally misspelled his name in a tweet. Of course the Twitter folks who fall on the opposite side of her politics have leapt upon it to drag both the tweeter and the billionaire at the heart of the tweet. Such is the internet, predictable and a bit hilarious in a face-palm kinda way.
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Bear Don’t Care, February 21, 2020
There is a chill AF bear just sauntering around Monrovia CA. So far she has munched on trash, interacted with a dog, ignored people, wandered along sidewalks. According to wildlife officials, this morning she was tranquilized and brought to the mountains. Let’s hope that’s not fake news.
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Bullshit! February 22, 2020
As with most days, there are oodles of wackadoo stories on the internet. But the most satisfying comes from this captured exchange between Anderson Cooper and shamed former mayor Rod Blagojevich. Enjoy!
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Exciting! February 23, 2020
It may not be internet news but I’m speaking today at SexPosCon! More to come including my presentation…
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’Bout Time, February 24, 2020
Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape and faces up to 25 years in prison. He was also charged with some things and cleared in still others but this is definitely news on the way to satisfying.
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Mmm Hot Pockets, February 25, 2020
Those college admission scandals keep on going! But this new one is compelling, not because of the scandal part, but because of this personal detail: “Hot Pockets heiress.” Point being, there’s a Hot Pockets heiress!!!! I had no idea and no I’m just luxuriating in Hot Pockets nostalgia and visions of a family mansion decorated with Hot Pockets memorabilia.
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I Would Eat This, February 26, 2020
Some guy asked for extra cream cheese at McDonald’s and then tweeted how he got too much extra cream cheese. Bro — you’re a fucking quitter.
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Facebook Face Effects, February 27, 2020
Having never done a live Facebook stream, I am unfamiliar with using the filter feature. Well apparently some reporter in South Carolina is similarly ignorant given this weather report he shared featuring a wide array of fun augmented face effects! Helmets, googly eyes, cat ears, you name it… His goof, our pleasure.
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38% Idiot, February 28, 2020
A real face-palm moment: reading that 38% of Americans won’t buy Corona beer because of the coronavirus. Are you fucking kidding me. Do I need to say it?
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This Is Literally An Episode of Homeland, February 29, 2020
The United States and the Taliban are signing a peace treaty in Doha to end 18 years of bloodshed. Is anyone else watching the current season of Homeland? This is an exact plotline, same location and everything. Anyway! It’s about time.