May 2019

???, May 1, 2019

Missing entry because I spent all of yesterday moving my new roommate in and I forgot to update this section… Something about not forgetting your mom cuz Mother’s Day is fast approaching!

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Everything Changes Now, May 2, 2019

I have an official roommate now — if things have seemed a bit scattered or behind or I haven’t responded to your message, this new home addition is why. Yesterday I was up till the wee hours of this morning separating junk from donations from keepers, moving boxes and crates, arranging and rearranging, on and on. The work continues today. And even though things aren’t finished yet, I feel immense relief just from physically shifting things that have been stagnant for so long.

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Stupid Emotional Responses To Change :( May 3, 2019

Turns out all of this moving of stuff and people is pretty emotional?!?! I cried a bit yesterday, a glut of feelings hitting me very unexpectedly. Anyway, new roomie situation is positive and I’m happy about it, but the process has triggered some unfortunate memories and situations. At least I left the house yesterday.

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How Do You Feel About Interviews With Vocal Distortion? May 4, 2019

I’ve had three people ask me to disguise their voice, unwilling to record an interview otherwise. At first it was a matter of tech and know how [and not having the means to oblige]; now it’s a matter of principle. I’m still looking into it, mostly because it’s motivation to upgrade my current set up and allow for other advancements and sound changes, but it bothers me. On the one hand I absolutely respect their feelings and understand the request, and on the other, this podcast project is a demonstration, a beacon, of honesty and fearlessness. If I allow someone to hide behind vocal distortion what kind of message does it send? Am I overthinking this?

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Masturbation Parties And Male Sex Mixers, May 5, 2019

#54 has been cleared for sex service so of course I put a fair amount of effort towards taking advantage of his availability for a some male-on-male group sex [WITH me of course]. Well things didn’t quite work out; the original target never replied — cold feet? — and my second ask, a local ex, declined on the short notice and fact that he didn’t know the guy which is very reasonable. I guess it is a biased assumption that guys would just jump right on board without meeting the other party, certainly I would have the same response. So I guess now I need to host a mixer to get all potential participants acquainted and see who jives with who?

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We Call It The “Infinite Drawing” May 6, 2019

Welcome to the start of a new project! Another collaboration with a Bruce brother, the size and outcome of which remains to be seen. So far we’ve done significant work on the first 12 feet or so [see image] but we have zero clue as to how much is left since we don’t actually know how long the roll of paper we’re working on is; mysteries abound! Just like life.

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Some Nights Shit Just Sucks, May 7, 2019

Another wonderful night in MTAland! It all started at the 14th street station where I waited six minutes for the uptown 1 train. Once inside said 1 train, I sat and waited 20+ minutes with no announcement until we were then told there was some signal problem. A few minutes later we were told to get on the 1 train going express across the platform. Sat in there for another 10 minutes before another announcement letting us know that there were no longer any uptown trains and everything was being sent downtown wheeeee!!! Then my Uber driver got lost trying to drop off one of the other passengers.

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Bizarre Boundaries, May 8, 2019

It only just hit me how bizarre my boundaries have become as of late. I’m having coffee today with a guy who sent me a video of him jerking off and I’ve never even met him. And somehow it all seems normal, except, not. Also this is not an opening for jerking off videos, I am not meeting with him because of that — in spite of that really. I ignored it and just scrolled on and only remembered this morning that it was there. I’ll be making a GIF out of it and posting in the BANNED IMAGE FEED later today as I will with any dick images or footage sent my way in the future.

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Perfect Is Still The Enemy Of Done, May 9, 2019

I’m thankful to have broken a writing block streak though I have mixed feelings about what came of it. Anyway! I’m going with it, ever reminding myself that “perfect is the enemy of done” and even if what I wrote yesterday served no purpose other than generating momentum, it’s still a win.

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I Don’t Feel Sorry For Straight Men, May 10, 2019

Yesterday someone actually called me on the phone [?!?!?!] to talk about my post on Instagram promoting this week’s article, “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin.” The person calling was a friend so I actually answered the phone, and I was touched that I had managed to provoke such a strong response that an actual conversation was warranted. Said friend was a gentleman who was wondering what the response would have been had he posted something like “Must Have Tight Pussy And Thick Skin,” his assumption being outcry. I completely understand his reaction and assumption. However, in the bigger picture, [straight] men have been in control of the cultural narrative in such a broad and pervasive way that such a message has already been out there for some time. It’s all just become part of our background, the idea that women “Must [insert any physical ideal].” My post was merely a drop in the bucket for the other side.

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Boundaries?! May 11, 2019

Speaking of, “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin,” someone sent me a pic of his objectively big dick via IG message in response to “my ad.” The fact that it was taken as an ad (presumably in jest but still) was the best thing that happened to me yesterday. Another instance of my-boundaries-are-different-than-most and that’s just fine with me.

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Mom Stuff, May 12, 2019

Not on the best terms with my mom at the moment which is a kind and diplomatic way of saying that she shits all over me and my work whenever I speak to her and so now I don’t. I did text her though! And send a card. Sooo, basically now it’s just a waiting game till her birthday I guess.

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My Way Or… May 13, 2019

When someone asks my opinion I truly expect that my input will be taken as gospel and rise to the top of the heap of other intel. Last night I was speaking with my bestie about some things she had questions about, and she mentioned other people whose opinion she had gotten and how different everyone’s thoughts were and that she was going to marinate on everything and come to a decision. Meanwhile, I’m listening to this and thinking, but I’ve just told you what I think, why wouldn’t you just listen to me?? Ugh as if anyone else has as much insight! I’m kidding of course. Ok I’m not.

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Dicks For Days, May 14, 2019

Another week, another cock pic. I honestly never expected that when I posted “Must Have Big Dick And Thick Skin” on IG that men were going to interpret that as an ad and not as a post for something else. Naivety? Obviously. Nevertheless, today’s submission was pretty classy! A through-the-jeans pic which is a first; the guy was very sweet and respectful and we chatted a bit before he asked if he could send a pic of him nude. Well my dears, it’s even bigger with no pants.

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No Mid-week Orgy? May 15, 2019

So I’ve been planning on attending my first orgy this evening but the address has still not arrived. This is a bucket list-level activity and if it falls through and doesn’t happen, I will be super-duper bummed! I mean sure, I can always organize my own — but this one is organized by women and I was really looking forward to meeting some kindred spirits and picking their filthy brains about sex event hosting. What am I going to do with my Wednesday evening now? Kidding! I have plenty of ideas and options.

No Mid-week Orgy :( May 16, 2019

Ooof, I did not expect yesterday to be so emotional. My male roommate is woke AF and we’ve been discussing the anti-abortion legislation that’s been getting passed for at least a week, but only yesterday did it really hit me. Tuesday night I had the idea to write about my own experiences with pregnancy and abortion and contraception and then Wednesday, the whole thing finally hit me in the gut and I felt paralyzed. I did post a short piece but I couldn’t manage to get my head together enough to finish the deep dive or go to the orgy… Speaking of, somehow the location email was never sent to me which I interpreted as a sign from the universe. Also, I realized I’d much rather participate in an orgy of my own making. Also, I was just too fucking upset to fuck.

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The Good And The Bad, May 17, 2019

This has been one of those weeks where I did nothing but also everything. Back when I was working for the man, this would have been a week where I called in sick multiple days in a row and used the time to organize my kitchen or finally clean my house; the work I did this time puts those days to shame. I have gone through every piece of mail, every bag and collection of junk, every closet, and separated oodles of unnecessary crap from the minimum set of things I actually wanted to keep. I also organized all the remaining objects AND hung three things AND repaired a broken painting. And yet I’ve only written a small and underwhelming piece about abortion rights and made some media assets. Basically I feel like a failure and a success at the same time.

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Let’s Make It Worse, May 18, 2019

I just did an interview for someone else’s podcast and I’m feeling more self conscious about what I shared there than I am with the things I’ve shared here. Is it because I’ve left my words and thoughts in someone else’s hands? Whatever the reason, I’m soothing my discomfort by watching the Ken Burns Vietnam War series with my roomie, which is to say I feel bad and I’m making myself feel worse in response.

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Good Morning Dick, May 19, 2019

There’s nothing like opening up IG to find yet another suite of giant dick pics from a very young guy responding to my size queen post... There’s one in particular who has sent me about 7 pics already, each more impressive than the last. Don’t worry, they’ll wind up on the BANNED IMAGE FEED for you to enjoy soon enough. Happy Sunday to me!

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If It Ain’t Broke, May 20, 2019

Today I settled my very last debt [not counting new tax debt] and that means on June 1st I will be 100% DEBT FREE. I will also be extremely cash poor but this is another story for another time. My God, I can’t tell you how good it feels to have taken care of these accounts! Funny thing, this putting every last dime of liquid assets towards these balances to square everything away all at once while ensuring that immediately following such action my finances will be extremely tight, is not unlike how I would do drugs or binge eat. I would always choose to do all the things all at once and prepare to suffer the consequences [also all at once] rather than moderate either the debauchery or recovery. Process still works!

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Mmmmm Newports… May 21, 2019

I’m exactly two months away from my 7-year sober anniversary — assuming, of course, that I don’t pick up alcohol or drugs between now and then! Pray for my soul cuz I’ve already got the Newport crave that annually precedes this milestone and is a good indicator that I’m getting uncomfortable. Damn raids have shut down my go-to loosey spots and I hate Juuling because it’s the worst and honestly doesn’t taste anything like a real cigarette. But you shouldn’t smoke! It’s real bad.