September 2019

“Don’t Focus On The Shit” September 1, 2019

A new month huh? Ok. Sleep schedule is all fucked again and I’ve made some questionable life choices in the last 48 hours but whatever, it will pass just like time. I’ll be occupying part of today by looking up my new horoscopes from multiple internet sites; shit works itself out when I don’t focus on it.

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Only a couple days past my birthday and I already spaced on saving a blurb…

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This Is Definitely 40, September 3, 2019

I bought a couch last night and have my first mammogram in just a few hours; what could be more adult? Please note that both of these items terrify me. With the couch, will it be comfortable? Will it fit in the elevator? What hassles may happen with my building? With the mammogram, this shit is painful right? Is it going to permanently flatten my boob? How painful is painful? Do I have cancer? You see what I mean right — adulthood is scary AF.

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All The Question, September 4, 2019

Oooh whee gonna address all the questions and comments I’ve gotten about everything sex-related on this week’s episode of SEX COMMUNICATION. I’m compiling it all now to produce the content ahead of my air travel cuz I’m going to a sex conference this weekend. Anyway! There really is a very wide gamut of things people want to know and I’m happy to cover all the things — as much as I can at least.

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Sex-[Conf-]Bound, September 5, 2019

Soon I’ll be en route to the first sex conference of my career. I’m a bit concerned that I’ll be intruding given that this particular conference has a focus on people of color and I’m a random white girl from the north, but I know that I’ll be welcomed. I've been granted a media pass and so I’ll be documenting and exploring all the things as long as I’m there, honoring the access I’ve been given to the best of my ability. Each day I will be posting travel diary entries for the conference and trip; wish me luck getting into some shenanigans.

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“Zero Shenanigans” September 6, 2019

One night down, zero shenanigans. I’m here and ready for a full day of workshops and lectures, etc. and trying so hard to drink this coffee fast enough to actually wake me up. Hey did you know there’s a ferris wheel right in the middle of downtown Atlanta? Yeah I ran into it last night while walking off my dinner.

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Witnessing Many Shenanigans, September 7, 2019

Today was so full of workshops and classes that I didn’t even remember to update this section, oops! A day well spent though; got watch live demos of erotic asphyxiation AND vaginal fisting so... The Sex Down South Conference has just become a new annual tradition.

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Ma Belly, September 8, 2019

Air travel, indigestion, possible partner sex? These are the things on my plate for today. Even though I have heartburn and a round belly from finishing off the remaining half of a full slab of baby back ribs at 1am, I’m still sitting here at the Atlanta airport trying to decide if I’m going to eat or just continue fasting till I get home. There is something about being down south that feels more accepting of fuller bodies but I still have preemptive discomfort about being back in NYC and even more so about plans to play with #54 later this evening. I keep telling myself that said partner wouldn’t play with me if he wasn’t into my body but with every passing week and day it feels bigger than it used to be and I’m anxious as fuck and struggling with body acceptance.

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Ma Boobs, September 9, 2019

I had my mammogram follow up today and it was fucking awful. Way more painful than the last time plus I had to wait two hours just to be seen for the first part of the appointment because of some miscommunication. I can’t tell you how awful it was being squeezed in a machine while seeing images of my breast tissue on a computer screen with circles around different parts of the scan. According to the tech I have cysts, not tumors, but I still have to wait for the final word from my doc.

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Ma Perspective, September 10, 2019

Feeling much better today having given myself time and space to process the events of yesterday. Brene Brown says “shame cannot survive being spoken” and I have certainly found that to be true. The instant something shameful or painful passes through my lips is the moment my discomfort fades. I shared in this past “How I Got Off” episode that the experience of having the mammogram(s!) triggered a lot of paranoia and neurotic fears of karmic retribution for my aesthetic stance against breast implants in porn. This is to say that what I’ve gone through physically and emotionally in the last week has been an opportunity to consider changes in perspective, and at the very least a broader view of topics at hand. I still prefer natural breasts, my aesthetics have not changed, but my level of compassion, empathy and curiosity certainly has.

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The Surprises, September 11, 2019

I’ve been really touched over the last two days by the concern and outreach of multiple folks after I shared my mammogram experience; support emerged from the most unexpected places. I thought when I sat down at my computer today that I wouldn’t have anything even barely 9/11 related to share, but in writing this I remembered how the city banded together after that day in 2001, how we each felt so connected and concerned for each other, as if we were collectively holding breath, space, love… It was beautiful, awful and unforgettable.

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Not Suitable For Public Consumption, September 12, 2019

Been fighting a cold for a few days along with some frazzled anxiety, though I’ve come to recognize the latter as a reaction to being on deadline so I’m trying to not to let it send me into a defeat spiral. The frazzled anxiety brings with it oversleeping, overeating, undershowering, as in, I feel most suited for isolation rather than public consumption and leaving the house is a chore.

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Many Very Important Somethings, September 13, 2019

Of all the things that drive me crazy, I am at the top of the list. Am I that addicted to discomfort that I need to procrastinate on every possible thing, each time pushing the envelope a little more? I can’t even right now, mostly because I’m deep in the thick of the anxiety-ridden drama loop I’ve created by waiting till the very last minute to take care of something very important. Ok actually many very important somethings.

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Another “Genius Or Crazy” Moment, September 14, 2019

I’ve had a revelation! That procrastination I wrote about and struggle with yesterday? Well I was also hella agitated and anxious [and resentful] and I realized why! At least in regards to a specific situation… see I booked a job for X amount of money and said job [and client] always requires more work than I anticipate and certainly more hours than I charge. But when I procrastinate, I leave myself a very set amount of hours in which to do the work thereby controlling the cost/time balance and theoretically forcing myself to do only as much as I’ve already estimated with my pricing. Genius or crazy?

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I Wanted This, September 15, 2019

Last year I was just getting into the visualization / manifestation swing of things and did one exercise that involved writing out what my ideal, typical day would be a year from that moment. I remember describing the flow of waking and working, and specifying that the working involved a chunk of time responding to folks who reached out to me about my projects. While it doesn’t happen as consistently as I imagined, it does happen. Sometimes it frustrates me, the timing of a message or request in conflict with my mental state or just asking more than I am able to give; sometimes it brightens my whole day and keeps me going. Last night was an example of the latter and I’m still riding the high.

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“This Is The Part Where You Validate My Anger” September 16, 2019

I am absolutely sour with rage right now. There was a leak behind the wall in my bathroom and since it’s discovery I’ve had to accommodate the super running rampant in my apartment — cutting into the ceiling, doing a pisspoor job cleaning or preparing the space for mess, and shadily charging me for other things along the way. “Oh your toilet’s running since I installed it? $200 for some new part and two hours of my time;” no ask, no consent, just a bill. I’m angrily conveying this all to my roommate and awaiting his shared frustration to make me feel better about wanting to break a neck over my knee.