October 2019

The End Of Mother/Daughter-ness, October 1, 2019

Last night I sent my mother a text that ended with “…and it is my choice to cease having a relationship with you.” This sentiment is a long time coming and certainly not the result of a singular conflict or disagreement though definitely exacerbated by one. She has been adamant and unyielding in her condemnation of my work; dismissive of my projects as being “porn” and nothing else; demonstrated a complete lack of acceptance, interest or willingness to even consider a reality beyond her superficial impressions. It feels toxic to remain open to her energy and lack of support, her prioritization of personal beliefs over our relationship, and so I’ve decided to separate.

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Smartbody, October 2, 2019

Turns out that making the decision to end a relationship with my mother wasn’t as easy as I expected, despite the many-years-in-the-making that decision was. All day yesterday I had hyperemotional responses to things that were emotional but not emotional enough to inspire tears; reflecting on the journeys of others, past happenings, ordinary conversations, etc. The body always knows more than the conscious mind and that’s comforting if not bizarre.

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All The F’s, October 3, 2019

I’m feeling burned out and melancholy today. Residual emotional effects? Buildup of time and the effects of working with the unknown? All of the above? I don’t know but it’s a real chore to do anything right now. On top of the burnout and melancholic ennui, there’s a sense of failure, foolishness, frustration, all the f’s! Aargh. Fuckin eh, pushing through anyway.

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F This, October 4, 2019

I mentioned yesterday feeling like a failure [amidst other shitty things] and a big part of that is the awareness of how little I have written, how unmotivated I have felt, over the last 6 to 7 months. Yes I have stuck to writing these daily blurbs, an action that used to be a tool of production, but it has been failing me in terms of provoking any other work. I’ve been thinking my time and efforts would be better spent writing portions of larger essays daily instead of these little blurbs; effectively putting an end to this little section. I don’t know; as I mentioned yesterday, I’m floundering right now. Still taking action but floundering nonetheless.

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But What About My Timeline, October 5, 2019

My new plan is to simultaneously be gentle with myself for the bad feelings while forcibly pushing out the self pity. Of course the discomfort eventually prompts me to take focused, but small actions; said focused but small actions inevitably evolve into bigger steps though generally not on my timeline and thus fairly inconvenient thereby adding to the original bad feelings... Nevertheless, one thing at a time; first shit first, later shit last.

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Jackpot, October 6, 2019

Autumn in NYC is much like a person struggling with inner conflict. The dramatic swings in temperature from one point of day to another, the heat then chill then heat then chill, the dampness, the random humidity, the increase in darkness; not at all unlike a set of complicated emotions. Is it the experiential and existential jackpot to be a person struggling with inner conflict in NYC during autumn? Perhaps.

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Preparatory Overindulgence, October 7, 2019

I’ve been wondering if I’m the only person who overindulges in anticipation of working out or future activity or future diets, despite how absolutely human this behavior seems to me. Well at least one other person has confirmed identical practical which is validating and comforting. Speaking of, I have signed up online for Blink Fitness and I’m getting even closer to actually going there — don’t judge me you fit and healthy haters! Also I have a quart of vegan ice cream in my freezer and I’ll probably be finishing it before I manage to work out.

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Fur Babies On The Move, October 8, 2019

Despite being firmly seated on my self-pity train, my two fur babies take the prize for suffering today. Their frustration began early as second dinner at 1am was nowhere to be found, nor breakfast. Instead they awoke to my firm embrace and delivery of Gabapentin via mouth syringe to quell the stress of their commute to the vet. It didn’t end there; today was not an annual visit but a full-day dental adventure. Now they are home, hungry, cranky and rocking some single-leg warmers (or colorful adhesive wraps if you want to get technical).

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I Can’t Even… October 9, 2019

Depression naps. That is it.

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Can I? October 10, 2019

Well I’ve scheduled myself out of depression naptime today so I guess I’m already winning. Also I’m having company in a bit which has prompted some much needed tidying up and clearing of clutter within my bedroom; I’m a believer in physical spaces affecting mental space and already I feel more clearheaded. Check in tomorrow to see if it lasts…

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Opera! October 11, 2019

Going to my first opera tonight, Madame Butterfly. I chose what seemed like the most classic choice, especially among a roster of more modern and abstract options. All week I’ve been devoting way too much headspace to “what am I going to wear?” and also “what is one supposed to wear?” In the end I’m going with something a touch comfortable but less casual then I’d like but as I am dealing with some weight gain, my options are somewhat limited. Anyway! I’m very curious to see what the standard of dress really is. And also the opera, very interested in and curious about the actual opera.

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About That Opera, October 12, 2019

So. Madame Butterfly. Did you know the title character is 15-year old bride? Yeah there was that. And also puppets, yes puppets. Before I digress any further let me say that the staging and singing were both incredible. However, the music, especially in Act I, was a little trite. Yes yes there’s an American man taking over a Japanese girl’s life, is it really necessary to weave the Star Spangled Banner into a fucking opera score? I’m hoping for better the next time I go. Also I was dressed appropriately even after all my concern.

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About Last Night, October 13, 2019

I went dancing last night and it felt so fucking good; there was a time when I was going with my bestie on the reg and we have fallen out of the habit. Yesterday was a welcome return to our old routine, jumping in with an older but enthusiastic crowd of househeads, getting loose to some disco-heavy tracks. Rocking the body never fails to cure what ails.

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So There’s This Conference… October 14, 2019

Guess who got accepted to speak at their first conference?? Yes, yes it’s me. I have to keep reminding myself that it happened in between bouts of anger and depression as I navigate day 1 of my period, the news of which was near simultaneously received. Anyway, back to the good stuff, the conference is on sex positivity in Burbank CA this coming February; more info to come soon.

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These Fucking Guys, October 15, 2019

So often have I thought of sharing the most awful of the awful comments posted on this site here but then I don’t because maybe the commenter would see it as a reward? Definitely don’t want that but man oh man sometimes these remarks are just so hella awful they need acknowledgment. Like the one I got last night telling me to sell my body; what really made it special was the way he dismissed everything else, including the podcast he was commenting on; really hit me in the gut. Good job!

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Wake Me Up Already, October 16, 2019

This cloudy, dreary weather feels unreasonable. WTF is up with a perfectly awesome season like autumn being fucked up by this rainy day bullshit?! Seriously it’s multiple times a week EVERY week, at least it feels like every week, anyway! I have no emotional reactions to shorter, darker days, but cloudy, dreary daytime is a whole other story. My spirit never seems to wake up and man oh man do I need it to wake up.

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Irresponsible Or Edgy? October 17, 2019

Is it irresponsible to write something in critique of a thing I refuse to watch, or is it edgy? Seriously. I’ve started this piece about my feelings re: Bella Thorne directing a porno and thoughts about the porn, specifically relief that another platform just reviewed it and now I feel like I don’t have to in order to know I was right not to watch it. Clearly I’m conflicted. I’m going to keep moving forward, just trying to document my feelings cuz I do have them.

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For Shame, October 18, 2019

An editor just asked for my bio and photo but gave me the out of not including the photo part because the article for which it would be used was a “sensitive topic.” I wrote about going to that orgy — and even the supposition of shame is offensive to me, however protectively intentioned. Anyway, I’m sending my photo.

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My Angel, October 19, 2019

The conversation turned to instances of being unable to pay a highway toll last night, and ever since I’ve been reminiscing about the instances of grace and poverty throughout my years. The reason being that my own “unable to pay a highway toll” tale involves what I believe to be an encounter with an angel. You see I was deep in my using years and broke as can be; I literally didn’t have $1 for the thruway toll in NYS. It was the middle of the night and I decided to press my luck and drive through anyway, hoping for a bill in the mail. Instead a state trooper pulled me over, took my license and instructed me to get off at the exit to get cash. I didn’t have cash to get, I didn’t even have enough credit available to charge something to get cash in return. I considered knocking on a door of a dark house to wake a stranger up to beg for $1. After circling the sleepy town, I drove up a random road and came upon a lookout point where a commercial truck was parked, the driver standing beside. He gave me the dollar and wished me luck.

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My Stupid Early-Morning Rage, October 20, 2019

Oh boy did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. To say I’m cranky would be overly generous because it’s more like a full-body rage and from where??? I had pleasant dreams before waking so how is it that I find myself with all of these supershitty feelings first thing in the morning? Ugh it’s fucking exhausting.

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My Crush, October 21, 2019

I have newly painted red nails and a crush; these two things are unrelated but top of mind. Getting back to my crush, it’s fun being hopeful and swirling in fantasy and idealism and opportunity; it’s also dangerous and inspires paranoia about the expectations being generated by my daydreaming. Well at least my nails look good and my heart is open — in other words I am well-positioned for love right?

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Parasite Was Meh, October 22, 2019

Did I mention that I gave into the hype and went to see Parasite? Well my feelings are these: if I had come upon this movie airing on HBO or something, I would have watched it and moved on with my life; I would have never been compelled to tell my friends they need to see it, posted on social media about it or used phrases like “one of the best films of the decade.” It was a perfectly decent movie, well made and well acted, but that is all. Seriously. Why all the fucking hype??? I can’t get my mind around it; it’s like seeing an influencer’s affect on a product’s success except it’s a movie. Is no one capable of forming their own opinion? So swayed by buzz that they internalize popular thought as their own?

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Early Morning = Late Night? October 23, 2019

Guess who finally managed to reset their sleep schedule??? I’ve been struggling since April / May to reestablish a work routine; the arrival of my new roommate and total upheaval of workspace proved more impactful than expected. Since then I have written very little; my daily routine non-existent; sleep schedule in constant tailspin; psyche disturbed. Well this week I’ve discovered that I may be able to spin my night-owl tendencies to accommodate early morning awakening and work time. If I get up early enough that it’s still dark, even better. Turns out that dawn and pre-dawn have the same stillness, depth and beauty as my beloved late night. Plus I feel way more productive in the early hours and zero shame about the time of my awakening. Winning!

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October 24, 2019

Guess who spaced on writing this blurb yesterday? On the plus side I awoke at 7am AGAIN and was super productive otherwise.

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This Week… October 25, 2019

This week’s highlights include successfully creating a new habit of waking at 7 and doing the bulk of my work early, going to the gym and working out with a trainer (free session with signup whaattttt) and managing to capture three not awful pics of myself for use in author bios and whatnot. The lows include having to turn away the delivery of my brand new sofa because it was too big for both the elevator and stairs, and the full-body muscle cramps I’ve had since going to the gym and working out with a trainer.

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Everything Is Coming Up Autumn Leaves, October 26, 2019

Muscle cramps are gone! Partner sex was had! Also it’s a beautiful fall day outside so things are on the up and up as the week comes to a close. Tasks for today include sorting video footage and applying makeup to my roommate.

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Corrupted Night Owl, October 27, 2019

I think I may be turning into a morning person. When I was letting my schedule revolve around my sleep patterns, regardless of how many hours I was productive, there was a shame stink on everything courtesy of internalized ideas of “normal” and “functioning” as they relate to the time of day one awakens. I still love the dark, the still, of late hours; but I have to admit the appeal of feeling ahead of everything upon awakening is far more satisfying. I am corrupted night owl.

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Baseball And The Cheezdoodle, October 28, 2019

I love baseball. I love post-season baseball even more. And even more than that, I love waking up to the internet spreading footage of other baseball fans coming together to express their feelings. The most satisfying recent example these clips of President Cheezdoodle getting booed and honored with a “lock him up” chant at Game 5.

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A Round Of Applause For The Internet, October 29, 2019

Today in holy-shit-the-internet-is-great-land, I offer you this post about the most mundane of mundane takes on Halloween as offered up by real people in Japan. My favorite of the “costumes” showcased: A woman who wanted to drink her Starbucks and ended up getting foggy glasses in the process. Amazing.

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Deadspin, October 30, 2019

Do you even know the shit going on with Deadspin right now? In a nutshell, a Deputy Editor was fired for not “sticking to sports,” Splinter was killed, the writers for Deadspin are now writing posts about everything but sports and there is a probably illegal RIP-Splinter site currently running a Deadspin Deathwatch. I first saw the firing news last night on Twitter but watching the remaining staff be so fucking ballsy is making my day — the firepath of their corporate overlords is breaking my heart. RIP old Gawker and the days before this capitalist bullshit.

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Solidarity, October 31, 2019

Even more shit has gone down at Deaspin since yesterday’s blurb. Today’s [DAILY SHIT] Image is a screenshot of the most relevant URLs to visit and support those rallying against the corporate overlords at the former Gawker Media. Aside from that, here is the closing passage of a post from now-resigned editor Megan Greenwell:

“The editors and writers and video producers and artists and sales reps and product managers and so on—the people who made this a successful company while also making it the best place I can imagine working—are its actual leaders, and the reason that, despite it all, these websites will continue writing things the rest of us want to read. But none of those people are the richest person here, which means they will keep succeeding despite—not because of—the man who is. He doesn’t know what they know; he doesn’t have to know. No one like him does.”