The Countdown, August 1, 2019
It has officially begun; in exactly 29 days I will be 40 years old. Somehow this upcoming event is less scary and more scary than previous “milestones” all at the same time. Ok, really this is just compared to turning 30 since honestly no other age is burned in my memory as a milestone, not 16, not 21, it’s all just meh new age… Anyway! More scary because of health things — mammograms especially, and less scary because I’ve already taken so many crazy leaps how could this be any more terrifying? But! There’s also a sense of fade, as though with each passing hour and day past the big 4 0, I will be less vibrant, solid and visible. We’ll see.
Voting Begins August 5th!!! August 2, 2019
Movement on the SXSW front! I got the official promo materials today for the community voting push which means: if you would like to support my bid to speak at the 2020 conference, please come back here for the link to vote starting Monday [August 5].
My proposal is a talk on “Using Sex And Porn Online To Change The World IRL” which is basically the ethos of this site and the podcast. So! If you dig the stuff you see and hear here, or if you just dig me, do me a solid and vote and promote and talk about me and these ideas! Starting August 5th though…
Fucking Eh Mother, August 3, 2019
Yesterday I messaged my mother asking for her support with the SXSW voting that’s about to start [August 5th!!!]. I described my idea and explained that it’s about changing conversation and culture and honesty and abstract interaction and… crickets. I ended the text with “you don’t have to believe in the idea, just in me!” so it’s especially painful to receive no response. Given our past interactions, I should not be surprised but somehow I am.
Fuck, My Mother, August 4, 2019
My mother finally got back to me; it took nearly 2 full days and her response was no. This was of course couched in “I believe in you as a person, but…” Oh! And she’s praying for me so at least my inevitable damnation [?] might be prevented. Anyway! Please don’t be like my mom! Come back here tomorrow for the link to vote and support my bid to be a speaker at SXSW 2020 :)
VOTING OPENED!!! August 5, 2019
My proposal is finally public and available to support! To catch you up, I submitted a proposal to speak at SXSW on the topic: “Using Sex And Porn Online To Change The World IRL,” pretty much the embodiment of the ethos behind all my projects plus some… My panel would be a visual / verbal exploration of how changing the context of explicit materials can improve human communication and experience… Please support me and spread the word so others can vote on this idea as well!
How About That, August 6, 2019
There’s nothing like putting up posts asking people to vote for my SXSW proposal idea to make you realize none of my friends really understand what the fuck I’m doing or why I’m doing it. And by that I mean, sure some of them are supportive, some are oblivious, others purposefully in the dark and all because they see words like “sex” or “Brianne’s project” and react without research. My point is that I will be releasing a series of short videos explaining the context and philosophy of my projects and ideas and most importantly, THANK YOU to all the folks who have taken the time to understand what the fuck I’m doing and/or why I’m doing it.
Sink Pissing, August 7, 2019
Having a roommate after living alone for years is an ongoing adjustment, bathroom timing being the number one tricky dicky thing. Case in point, I pissed in the kitchen sink this morning because my new housemate was already in the shower. The experience was more freeing than I expected and also sitting on the edge made the whole thing pretty comfy except when I needed to rinse off. I’ve learned so much today and it’s only the afternoon.
Sucking, Slurping, Whatnot, August 8, 2019
I’m cranky and knee-deep in blowjob audio right now. Mostly the crankiness is from dealing with customer service people over the phone but listening to other people getting each other off isn’t helping. Anyway, today’s podcast episode is about blowjobs. Stay tuned for lots of sucking and slurping and whatnot.
The Aftermath, August 9, 2019
Well the aftermath of listening to hours of blowjob audio is obsessive thoughts about receiving and giving oral sex, and heightened frustration over having no partner. The aftermath of publishing a podcast episode featuring blowjob audio is people commenting and asking for blowjobs despite being total strangers, and irritation over the ask. It’s all to be expected at this point and if my physical needs were being adequately met, I’d be spiritually fit enough to manage these things in a reasonable fashion. Instead I am masturbating frequently and snapping at innocent people. Pray for me.
I Could Go On, August 10, 2019
It is a sad day when I have sex but it’s not good sex. Here I am going all this time without and then it happens [ok I made it happen] and it’s like jesus christ this is it? Ugh what a waste! And the lost sleep occupying shared space in my bed! Ugh the morning crankiness! And the memory of the whole experience! Ugh ugh ugh! This is the kind of shit that keeps the #54 in business. Also I don’t mean “business” literally I just mean it keeps him in the picture. Also he has really nice hair and good face so…
PSA On Behalf Of Future Females Everywhere, August 11, 2019
I felt kinda bad yesterday after describing my last encounter the way I did, and then I got over it. First of all, this guy apparently has a triple digit partner list and clearly none of them have told him that he should not be wearing Magnum condoms nor that he might want to research something called foreplay. In other words, if he hears these things from me, it’s kind of like a PSA. I did remark to him that I didn’t think he needed Magnums but I’m not sure it stuck; if and when I see him again, and I surely will in some social setting, the timing will be better for more frank words to his face. But kindly of course.
Beach Really Does = Summer, August 12, 2019
I was a snarky snarky bitch yesterday and it didn’t feel good. Not sure if it was just the roll of momentum created by sharing about an unsatisfying sexual experience but that seems likely and logical. There is wisdom that suggests the best way to counter these ill feelings is to practice gratitude so let me tell you how fucking grateful I am to have gone to the beach again and how beautiful and sunny it was. I got burned again and the trip was long but I had a righteous good time and felt like a proper celebrator of summer.
Honesty Is… August 13, 2019
The variation in human response is fascinating; in the last 12 hours I’ve messaged with someone who asked for the truth [from me] and then cried when he got it, and another who asks for the truth [from others] because the honesty is arousing. What is the source of these differences in response? Age, maturity, ego, temperament, secret sauce? I don’t have the answer but I do have honesty, i.e., be careful what you ask.
Gum Jam, August 14, 2019
I have a piece of granola jammed into my gum between two teeth and it’s awful. Confirmation that I shouldn’t have been stuffing my face late at night and also that it is not guaranteed it will not remain there forever. Was I stress eating or was my insatiable appetite the result of my body preparing for this month’s period? I suspect the latter but a quick check of the cycle app I use states otherwise. In other news, I really need to schedule a cleaning and you probably should too.
D-D-D-D-Dating, August 15, 2019
Well the granola is still there I think. I’ve flossed, picked, brushed — it’s not bothering me right now but nothing came out so… Anyway, in other news I’ve been asked by two different entities to serve as a dating expert so I’m at work on writing up my supreme wisdom on such matters, stay tuned peeps. Now on to some podcast production as [bullshit] #analaugust rolls on.
Deadline Machine, August 16, 2019
I love a hard deadline; good thing because I’m on four right now. I can be very wishy washy, working sporadically and inconsistently; but when I’ve got a deadline I’m like a machine. Well, a machine that’s stressed out and anxious and maybe a bit panicked. The point is I am productive.
Focus On The Shit You Can Control, August 17, 2019
I was feeling good about this week’s podcast episode and then I met a listener who described the guest as boring. Huh. That marinated for a bit and by the time I was home I was feeling a bit defeated; had I made a shitty episode? are my numbers ever going to be higher than they are? have I lost my passion? am I fighting a losing battle? etc. ad infinitum. And then I got home and found an email from a different listener telling me how much they identified with this last guest and appreciated the topic and discussion. No one person means everything but my reaction to these instances does; a reminder focus on my own shit since it’s the only thing I can control anyway.
That Chicken Roast Tho, August 18, 2019
Photo post-production, client site update, chicken roast… this is the stuff on my Sunday docket. And of all those things, the chicken roast is proving the most difficult because I didn’t plan ahead and buy cooking twine. It is a luxury problem of course and one that I can only pray is worth the effort of solving because I have never successfully prepared a chicken that wasn’t dry. This time I’m using a different bird — smaller, heritage farm-raised — and a different recipe so it should be super duper amazing and nothing less.
The Lessons, August 19, 2019
I had all this stress about procuring cooking twine to truss my fancy chicken and after settling on some beige embroidery thread, I cut open the package to find that the goddamn bird was already trussed! There’s a lesson in there somewhere. The other lesson is to stop procrastinating as demonstrated by my misery after working through the night; why why WHY do I do this to myself?? And why am I planning on doing it again tonight?
The Frustrations, August 20, 2019
Like with anything one does too much of, things can become bothersome even when you love them. Right now that thing is ‘talking about sex.’ I am at the point in the month when the random messages, the comments, the suggestions, the analysis, ALL OF IT, is driving me fucking crazy. No I don’t want to play with you, no my courtesy of a ‘thank you’ is not a statement of attraction, no I don’t want to dissect the nuances of my porn viewing, and on and on and on… Trying my best to hunker down and ride out the wave of irritation and low tolerance for nonsense till I can get back to the place where all this shit just slides off my shoulders.