Hot Hibernation, July 1, 2019
Seasonal affective disorder is a thing, but a thing I’ve never felt I had because it seems to affect me in reverse. Over the last few years I’ve noticed that I get super flat, and inclined to oversleeping, through late spring and early summer. Almost as if the light and warmer temperatures signal my mind and body to go into a sort of hot hibernation. It feels as bizarre as it sounds and I have no explanation.
My Will Vs. The Woo, July 2, 2019
I am rarely at a loss for words, but when it happens, it’s paralyzing and panic inducing. I mention this because I’m both paralyzed and panicked about responding to a potential work collaboration. I’m trying to be more stringent about adhering to a policy of: “if it’s not a ‘hell yes’ it’s a ‘no’” and it’s tough to execute at this very moment. But as I write this, I am becoming more aware that this hesitation is a big indication of being driven by fear. I’m afraid that if I say no to this, I’ll be closing myself off from big opportunities, when in fact, saying no may open me up to the right ones? In the past, such moments of indecision and uncertainty and discomfort are often markers that I’m asserting my own will over circumstances instead of allowing the flow of the universe to guide my hand. That sounds super woo woo but it’s true I swear.
This Is Woo For Sure, July 3, 2019
Yesterday I felt inspired to start taking some different actions lest I waste away, absorbed into the walls of my apartment. I put on real clothes, even a smidge of makeup, I took a book and paper and I went across the street and sat in the grass of the park, breathing in the smell of the freshly cut lawn, the sunshine, the slight breeze amidst the humidity. I removed my shoes and curled my toes into the ground, laid back and just listened. Periodically I would sit up, read, and work on the exercises at the end of each chapter. After some time, I got up and took myself to dinner. The book was “You Are A Badass At Making Money” and when I went to use the restroom in the restaurant, the stall I picked had a single mark inside, the word ‘money’ with what looks like a heart underneath.
For Hire, July 4, 2019
I’ve been designing a new site for a freelance client and I totally lost track of my own shit. But such has been the case for a bit now; trying to balance the cultivation of an income stream with the upkeep and evolution of my own projects. Speaking of! If you are in need of a designer: web, logo, or otherwise, reach out and let’s chat.
Receiving, July 5, 2019
I’ve spent the morning researching anal sex and ogling cheap Amazon sundresses. In both cases, surprises are unwelcome! Ok, not in the research or passive looking phase, but in the receiving. Anyway, I didn’t leave the house yesterday, instead worked on client site options while background binging old seasons of RHONY. Living my best life?
Dank AF, July 6, 2019
It is almost 90 degrees Fahrenheit, 60% humidity, and fucking disgusting. This would be tolerable if I was staying inside all day but I’m not; I’ll be leaving for outside commitments soon and that means entering the even hotter and wetter dank underbelly that is NYC mass transit. I can’t even.
No B.C., July 7, 2019
I decided to stop taking my birth control a few days ago. At first I was real hesitant, despite continued history not doing so well on hormonal meds; now I’m confident I made the right choice. I never experience any of the benefits — improved skin, less PMS, improved mood — just shitty shit like unexplained weight gain, crappier moods, fatigue, worse skin. I mean, yeah, the whole contraceptive part is pretty sweet but still, whatevs. I’m done.
No Pants Life, July 8, 2019
It feels like a cruel joke to finally have the perfect skimpy sundress to wear in the swampheat but the current weather forecast is for a low of 68 Fahrenheit in the evening. What the everlasting fuck? Does this mean I need to wear pants again? Fuck fuck FUCKKKK.
Ribs From Hell? July 9, 2019
There are these ribs from FreshDirect which I love but inevitably make my ass explode. I don’t know if it’s the high fat content or some specific spice or oil or combination or what, but it happens every damn time. And the ingredient list is totally innocuous! No weird chemical, just vinegar, chiles, etc… Anyway, the point should be, I’ve finally learned my lesson and will cease ordering them, but I know in my heart that’s not true. They are very delicious is the actual point. And probably also that I am a stubborn fool.
…Or Ribs From Heaven? July 10, 2019
I watched some folks I know have sex over Skype last night as a favor to help them train for an orgy; does this count as a break in my dryspell? Also! Surprising twist, I was so envious of their anal activities that I masturbated in similar fashion and had a delightful anal orgasm and it wasn’t even messy — those ribs cleaned me out! Perhaps another reason to keep eating them?
Growers Vs. Showers, July 11, 2019
Today is the first photo shoot of my new “Growers vs. Showers” series, part of a bigger male body positivity endeavor. Not only is this the premier session for this project, it is also the premier in-house image production; I imagine this will be one of many more to come. Until now, any photo or video footage has been more about documentation rather than capturing an idea so this is an exciting next step. Wish me luck peeps.
Shots Taken, July 12, 2019
Well I’d say the shoot was a success! Of course it did highlight all of the areas in which I’m lacking knowledge about my new camera but that just means I’ve got stuff to learn. The second shoot will be happening Sunday so much to do before then. If you’re interested in participating in your own shoot, send me an email and let’s set something up.
“Frequented By High-Frequency Peeps," July 13, 2019
The idea that each of us is the combination of the five people we spend the most time with has been gnawing at me. I agree with the notion and I can feel its truth when I’m in social situations, but of course there are some complications. Like, where does one seek the “high-frequency” peeps? Do you cultivate deeper friendships with the more positive and successful people you already know just because they are positive and successful? Or do you go to some gathering place frequented by positive and successful strangers, prepared with your best opening lines? There’s a lack of organic development that is bothersome to me but of course I’m saying this having not put much intentional effort into this endeavor. Maybe it’s something to pray for?
Praying I Don’t Fall Asleep In The Sun, July 14, 2019
Two hours of sleep what?!?! And now here I am in Far Rockaway preparing my pale white skin for the first time at the beach in more than three years! Eegads.
Sunburn And Amazon Burn, July 15, 2019
Well I didn’t fall asleep in the sun but I did get burned… and in a weird splotchy streaky way that most likely the result of the spray sunscreen being nearly out but still telling myself that moist spray was sunscreen spray. Bad idea! Next time, spray can for back only and the rest I’m rubbing with lotion. In other news, fuck Amazon, don’t buy anything for Prime Day! You have 364 other days to use ‘em, don’t take the bait for this bullshit push of crap.
HPV And PP, July 16, 2019
Did you know that getting the HPV vaccine is something one has to pay out of pocket for if over the age of 27? This says to me it’s a pervasive assumption that everyone 28 and older already has the damn virus. Anyway! By some miracle, I do not have it, despite being well over the age of 27. But guess what? Because Planned Parenthood is subsidized, they will give it to you as part of your standard care. In other words, donate to Planned Parenthood today; they do a ton of good shit beyond what you may think.
Got Boobs? July 17, 2019
I’ve started to become concerned with the uneven representation of bodies on this site. As in, I think there might be too much penis. Or at least there is soon to be too much penis [once I begin posting the “Growers vs. Showers” series... To that end, for any female-presenting folks out there with breasts: interested in being photographed? Obviously if you’re in NYC I can shoot you myself — also totally willing to take the shots while exposing myself so the playing field is even — but this can also work remotely. Email me if you’re interested.
Social Censorship, July 18, 2019
Censorship algorithms have got fucked me again. First I posted the image [also in the BANNED IMAGE FEED] of a hand sandwiched between thighs, a smidge of stubble visible. The pic and caption were notice of new photos available on this site; the post was removed within seconds. I suspected I was being penalized for language as the image could not have been more innocuous; this time I didn’t use the word “banned” anywhere but in the web address and again it disappeared.
It’s worth noting that my IG and FB accounts are linked, only because my Facebook page for GRAPHICPAINT is now unpublished, presumably related to that twice-removed post. The claim is that I went “against their community standards on nudity and sexual activity” though neither is visible or depicted in any of the images I’ve posted.
I’m almost certain both instances of censorship were the result of language. Anytime I’ve had a post removed, the image was appropriately edited but the caption would contain words describing sex acts or “explicit,” “censored,” “banned.” When descriptive language becomes dangerous, what comes next?
This inane practice of managing content is one of the reasons why I encourage explicit imagery on this site. And why I’m happy to feature and promote such media from any contributor.
Stuff Is Afoot! July 19, 2019
FB page still in review so no news there. I do have four male body shoots coming up, all happening in the next few days, so should have many images to share next week. I also got my first female volunteer for the series I mentioned the other day! Lots of stuff is afoot! Also I have my 7-year sober anniversary this Sunday so life is pretty fucking sweet right now.
Is My Body A Temple? July 20, 2019
My sober anniversary and birthday are roughly a month a part and both pose the same problem each year: do I eat things I enjoy but normally avoid because the indulgence is celebratory? Or do I continue to make healthy choices because it’s not celebratory to harm myself?
Right now I have brunch plans that center around the intention to eat a pasta dish that will most likely make me sneeze (histamine allergy to wheat) and/or give me diarrhea (lactose intolerance). And since I’m already fucking with myself, I might as well eat some fancy doughnuts after because why not. Does anyone else do this???
Body Is Maybe Not A Temple, July 21, 2019
I ate the pasta and already 2.5 of 5 doughnuts. Worth it? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. Of course I did go and buy activated charcoal, borage oil and a powerful omega 3-6-9 supplement so I will be spending the rest of my sober anniversary flushing my body of the toxins I so heartily ingested. 7 years bitches!
First SXSW, Then TED, July 22, 2019
I’m dealing with the consequences of my dietary decisions today but it was fucking worth it. Was it also worth it to put together a last-minute proposal submission to be a speaker at SXSW??? I certainly hope so! Step 1 to giving a TED Talk…
I have never applied to such a thing before so if you’d like to take a gander at the quick video my newbie self put together as part of the application, check this out. Please be kind!
Strangers And Spaces, July 23, 2019
Doing an offsite shoot today and of course have safeguards in place to ensure my return… In the meantime, I’m psyched to be finally capturing a person in their own space rather than just mine! I just love seeing other people’s homes; whether it’s from the street and an open window, or stepping inside to feel what they feel amidst their own walls, absolutely yummy.
It Was Pretty Strange, July 24, 2019
So I didn’t die even though I put myself in a stranger's home without company. Of course I was confident the whole time because I have a pretty good read on people, but I did have safeguards in place and the guy was weirder than I anticipated. Young and jumpy and probably the latter because of the former. His place was a dump but such is life; the deed got done and here I am alive and well to tell the tale. Also to show the pics but that’s coming later…
Being Without Coffee = Being Dead? July 25, 2019
I continue not being dead but now I feel like killing. Sharing space with another human means sharing stuff and sharing stuff is not something at which I am skilled. Is it just a natural difference between growing up with siblings versus as an only child? Whatever the reason, I haven’t had any coffee yet today because that stuff we share includes an espresso machine which worked for the other human this morning but stopped working when I went to use it and now I want to smash things and be petty about all the stupid shit the other human assumes we share without actually asking.
Bad JuJu Go Bye Bye, July 26, 2019
Not only did I have a big petty tantrum yesterday, I also had a big helping of self pity and defeat. I think it’s passed? I’m certainly in better spirits today. Also, I just started taking some herbs to clean my liver and I know that organ holds onto all sorts of bad juju so maybe that’s part of it? Anyway! Shooting some more dicks today and making arrangements for some chatting with an international fan via Instagram AND just got an invitation to an incubator conference so I have much to be grateful for.
It Hurts, July 27, 2019
Another day of having to get up super early and not actually sleeping at all. Off to a half-day podcast sponsorship thing that should be pretty worthwhile. But the pain, the pain of sleep deprivation! Ugh.
Moody Roller Coaster, July 28, 2019
The end of July, or in fact the whole month, is very much a time of building momentum, anticipation, change and closure. It’s the time of my recovery anniversary and brings an emotional wallop if only for the fact it is a reminder of my last bottom. And then immediately upon it’s end I begin my birthday month! I get right back on another moody roller coaster! I know it isn’t here yet, but I already feel my heart in my throat.
Ta Da! Client Work, July 29, 2019
Just busted out final first-round versions of web page layouts and logos for a new client and I feel really good about the stuff. But also fucking exhausted! I’ve done three days in a row on less than three hours of sleep and I feel it everywhere. May this all be worth it…
YES I AM, July 30, 2019
I recently got this message from the Co-Star app telling me “You’re not just here to take part, you’re here to take over.” When it came onto my screen I had an immediate reaction because it was exactly the message I want to receive ALL THE TIME. I’ve been making wallpapers for my phone with powerful law of attraction-esque language but they all pale in comparison to the Co-Star statement. Reading those exact words makes me feel confident and powerful and validated and totally fucking kickass. Anyway, sometimes the Co-Star app is a big bummer but I’m not gonna talk about that.
About That Mindspace
Since discovering the Insight Timer app over a year ago, I have logged a 10.5 THOUSAND minutes of meditation which blows my fucking mind. I like the guided exercises and a lot of them involve visualizing a space where you are most relaxed. My mind always conjures up a clearing in the woods; a grassy area surrounded by forest with a large tree in the center with a big trunk and widespread branches for shade. The other day a friend of mine sent me a bunch of photos from Vermont and lo and behold he sent an image that almost perfectly captured my mindspace. This also blows my fucking mind.