Journey of A Sex Podcast, II

Am I Kinky?

Photo by    Tachina Lee    on    Unsplash   , text by    Brianne McGuire

Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash, text by Brianne McGuire

At this very moment I am listening to an audio recording voluntarily submitted by a total stranger in England. I met the submitter via FetLife; he was one of the first responders to my posted request for podcast volunteers. In the recording, my new buddy is dominating his wife — physically, verbally — telling her explicitly what to do to him and to herself, mostly to herself. It’s pretty hot, even with the audio glitches from his recording device.

Over the past week, I’ve exchanged over a dozen messages with this person across the pond; we’ve discussed the why behind the project, how recordings might be made, technical difficulties, my interests, his interests. Most recently we’ve begun exploring how and when we might make a recording between the two of us, the basis of which would be his verbal instruction and my voluntary submission to his demands.

Does that sound kinky to you? I guess it is. I’m really not sure. Honestly, I’ve always considered myself to be pretty normal when it comes to sex; open-minded and adventurous for sure, but in a very normal way. It’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve considered the possibility that I may be more subversive than I thought.

Also, if the above does sound kinky to you, then hold onto your hat… I’m also meeting one of the local FetLifers in person to see if we vibe, and if so, to engage in a recorded sex act. Also, there are some other members I’ve been messaging with, that may also result in recorded Skype video/audio; centering around different sex acts for the sake of variety.

To catch you up on the JOURNEY OF A SEX PODCAST since last week’s inaugural installment: basically my current circle of partners and prospects has proven to be a dry well. After the loss of my first scheduled participant, I then reached out to an ex —the very partner who inspired this whole project — he said yes, seemed enthusiastic, totally onboard and I was psyched. We scheduled a meeting and then three days later he backed out as well.

This second cancellation would have been devastating if I hadn’t just learned an important lesson about not putting all my eggs in the basket of “people I already know.” As I mentioned previously, following that initial participant back-out, I posted requests on FetLife and I reposted on Craigslist. Craigslist turned out to be a bust, but FetLife is proving to be fertile ground for source material. Which has subsequently led to my asking the question, “Am I kinky?” After all, if my ideas are so well-received in this environment, that must mean there is a great deal of alignment between me and the people on this site — and the people on this site are definitely kinky.

So, I’ve come to accept that yes, I am kinky. And I’m cool with that. I’m also cool with exploring all of the crazy things I’m willing to do for this project without fear of judgment from my real-life community, because they are not “my people" and it doesn’t matter if they get it or not.

My sexuality does not scare me. The exchanges I’ve described don’t scare me. And they don’t scare the people I’m meeting on FetLife either. This discovery is what has convinced me that in this virtual world, I have finally “found my people” and it’s a fucking relief. How wonderful to find a space and community where my interests are the norm; where the unusual and perverse is accepted and celebrated and explored fearlessly… it makes me misty-eyed to think about.

And it makes me giddy with anticipation to think that my documenting this exploration may encourage other people to experience sex differently. That by offering a vulnerable, unflinching and explicit view of sex, the engagement and discussion of it may change. Perhaps consent becomes less of an issue as people become more open to frank conversation, perhaps people start vocalizing what they want and require to feel pleasure, perhaps we start giving ourselves permission to discover new means of sexual fulfillment; the possibilities are endless and exciting and I can’t wait.

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