She Wanted to Peg Me...
A Real and Imagined Account of Encountering a Strap-On
Someone shared a Tinder horror story with me about a girl who wanted to fuck him with a strap-on. What follows is an account inspired by actual facts of his story and our conversation, but with a generous helping of imagined details. In real life, the prospect of a strap-on was introduced prior to meeting so there was sadly no physical contact — the whole event was over before it even started! I thought it would be more interesting to speculate about what would have happened if the strap-on was an in-person surprise...
Me: Went out for coffee last night and that creepy skater guy showed up. I almost kicked him in the shins, he was muttering all this vulgar rape-y shit under his breath every time a girl walked by, it was disgusting.
Guy: Yeah that guy's crazy. Probably sexist cause he can't get laid though.
M: Well I question that logic — I'm not sexist!!!
G: Ha! Well you should've at least gotten approached last night the way you were dressed...
M: I got bubkes last night. And the night before that. Hence why I was dressed that way — trying to dress myself out of my funk! This is life without Tinder I guess.
G: Well if it makes you feel any better Tinder's awful. I went out with 2 girls and one of 'em wanted to fuck me with a strap-on and the other had me go to the Bronx to find out she was 5 months pregnant with 2 other kids!
M: That does make me feel better actually. This strap-on story is intriguing... did you say yes????
G: Absolutely not! I was recently single but shit, now I just might take that offer. Please don't tell me you do that?!?
M: I have not pegged a guy... but I would definitely try it — why the fuck not? Straight men are so into anal sex until it's their turn! How far did you guys get before she brought it up?
G: Well... she put her finger in my ass.
G: It wasn't awful... never had a girl do that before, I like to switch things up every once in a while so ok I went along with it. But I guess that was the test because next thing I know she rolls over and starts going through her drawer.
M: I love this story keep going don't leave anything out.
G: So she pulls out this giant black dildo hooked up to some contraption and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK. I start reaching for my pants, she starts telling me to chill out, that "all the guys I'm with like this" and some shit and I'm just like hell fucking no!
M: This is hilarious keep going.
G: Well I start getting out of the bed so I could get the fuck out of there and she puts on the fucking strap-on! Trying to be all sexy and shit and fuck she's naked so that's fucking with my whole thing — I had to turn around so I couldn't see her tits just so I could focus on getting dressed! She actually started stroking my back with the fucking dildo ugh God — grinding her hips and wearing that fucking thing fuck FUCK it was awful!
M: So then you gave in?
M: Just a little bit? Just the tip...
G: Jesus Christ are you kidding?! I finally got my shit together, got my pants on and got the fuck out of there!
M: [sad face]
G: I'm gonna wear two pairs of pants around you the next time, you seem a little too into this...
M: Oh stop I'm just having fun! You sure she didn't stick it in just a little bit? I mean she already put the finger in there what's the big deal??
G: Maybe you should go on Tinder.