Sex Tips For Travelers

How to Do it right

 I’m ready to go!

I’m ready to go!

Such seemingly perfect bedfellows, sex and travel, yet my attempts at combining the two have generally and utterly failed. An excellent demonstration of this point: I have not had a single sexual encounter with another person on any trip, save for a companion whom I was already dating which doesn’t really count. I mean come on, my getting banged while traveling abroad seems like a given, a no-brainer! And yet… Seriously, I’ve not even kissed another person in such circumstances, a fact truly heartbreaking to recount. There was a time in Oman when I spent the evening gallivanting around Muscat with two Iranian strangers I met on the street, hopeful our adventure would end in some sort of ‘eiffel tower’ situation, but sadly we were joined by the sister, brother-in-law and baby of the hotter stranger and so there was again, no vacation sex for Brianne.

Despite my shortcomings [and no cummings] in the vacation sex department, I have gleaned a fair amount of wisdom from my jaunts around the globe while single and horny, so goody for you.

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On traveling to areas with restricted internet
This would be China, the Middle East, and a whole host of other places I haven’t yet traveled to so just do yourself a favor and research AHEAD OF YOUR TRIP whether or not the country you are visiting censors your internet browsing and then download a glut of videos to watch off your laptop. Don’t be like me and forget to do this, decide you will rely on porn for masturbation, leave your sex toys at home because you’ll have porn why carry extraneous items, and then arrive to discover you can’t access porn let alone Google, and subsequently hit a psychological breaking point wherein you are crying and hysterical and overwhelmingly sexually frustrated. This would be my exact and entire description of my trip to Beijing.

On traveling with sex toys to foreign lands
Be mindful of your packing. Battery-operated devices are very practical and super easy to travel with because you don’t have to rely on the use of a travel adaptor. But! You do have to be thoughtful about WHERE you pack said device; if you pack it in your checked bag that’s great, no worries about it being pulled out in the security line, but what if it goes off inside your bag and it gets pulled and you get flagged as a bomb carrier? Of course if you are cheap or an efficient packer and you don’t ever check your bags then it is to your benefit to place said device in your carry-on. But then there’s that pesky risk of the security guard noticing something strange and mechanical inside your bag, pulling it out for all to see and getting their grubby hand germs all over an object you apply to your genitals.

If you go the plug-in route, my best advice would be to maybe wait a day before using, because if you are at all jet-lagged or sleep-deprived, you may think to yourself gee, that outlet looks like the one at home, maybe this hotel is so fancy and international that they installed U.S. voltage outlets in the rooms! Under this delusion, you then plug in your device and promptly blow both the circuit of the outlet and the motor of your precious toy. This was me, Dubai 2016 after an overnight 12.5-hour flight; RIP my original Magic Wand — you were a good friend.

 Very important art purchased in Spain

Very important art purchased in Spain

On traveling with overtly sexual or graphic materials or objects
In this instance, I’m referring to a carved wood dick / bicycle seat sculpture [see pic] created to scale and looking very much like a sex toy for a sadist. As the piece was art and thus very important, not to mention awkwardly shaped, I didn’t want to risk breaking it by packing it in my checked bag. So I did what any other person would do and I packed the thing in a duffel bag as my second personal carry-on item. The gallery I had purchased the sculpture from had done a bang-up job of wrapping the entire thing in bubble wrap and black plastic so while the silhouette was bizarre, the contents were hidden. Unfortunately, since the piece was constructed using an actual bike seat post and full counter frame for wall mounting, the overall dimensions exceeded the length of my duffel bag and so I had to navigate airport security with this weirdo thing sticking right out the top. On the plus side, this was the same trip during which one of the guards pulled out my new cordless Magic Wand, suspecting it to be contraband. She was so distracted by the device and trying to figure out what it was (a second guard informed her quietly), that she quickly moved on after replacing my now manhandled personal pleasure device.

On traveling back home
I am referring to the actual transport time, the experience spent in the air, on the road or water… I’ve never been able to figure out why, but I get sexually ravenous on return trips — never during the outbound. It’s a real problem! I travel by myself so there I am, stuck in a tiny seat within some sealed vessel, with no partner to scoot off to the bathroom with or even get a handjob under a blanket, and all I can think about is fucking. For hours and hours, it’s incessant and enough to make me lose my mind. I’m never so relieved to arrive home as I am after coming back from vacation. I drop my shit in the doorway, apologize to my cats for my absence, and then jump right into bed to get down to business. Even that last mini-trip to Storm King, for the entire bus ride home I stared out the window imagining all the places along the way I could be fucking at that very moment. Anyway, my point is: jerk off BEFORE you begin the trip home.

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Well there you go, that is about the extent of my sex and travel wisdom. Hopefully someday I can update this post with news of a vacation hookup but until then, you’re welcome!

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