So There's This Guy...

On Relationships, F*ck Buddies, Standards and NOT Getting Laid

"You are just like a man."
"Did you destroy another one?"
"Oh boy whose heart did you break now?"

I've heard each of those statements so many times I can't even keep track. I used to wonder if I have a problem with commitment but then I realized my gut is on point and quick to get the alert out — thankfully I have been just as quick to respond. In the past this has led to some devastations, hence hearing those statements above over and over. Mostly it allows me to not waste time with people not worth my energy but it also makes it harder to enjoy the fruits of dating and relationships, namely regular sex and someone to do handy stuff around the house.

But then there's that gray area of fuck buddies — a gray area because even though my gut has labeled them lacking in the relationship material department, they do serve a purpose and allow me to enjoy the benefits of a real life physical man without having to get emotionally entangled. So I maintain a roster, a "bench" if you will, of those I am comfortable with, enjoy talking to, and most importantly who can fuck me properly. These guys get me through those times when I want to get pounded but I don't want a boyfriend, times like right now when my commitment is to myself and my work. I don't have the mental space or interest in a relationship but boy oh boy do I want to get laid... 

Sadly the bench is light right now; some of the players (a lot of exes honestly) have either become unavailable or I've lost interest. For instance, the star of my bench, my tried and true, is in a serious relationship right now. While this has not kept him from propositioning me, it has kept me from accepting. I've had little problem denying his advances, until very recently when it has been especially hard to not pick up the phone and make certain arrangements. I believe this temporary weakness to be the result of increased stress and the surge of sex hormones during my period but these are not excuses. And to be clear, I have not acted on these morally questionable urges; I have kept up my end of the girl code. 

You may be wondering why I don't just find someone new to fuck. Well my friend, it sounds easy but it's not easy. When it comes to finding someone worthwhile, there are a number of "what ifs" to deal with: what if the next guy has a tiny dick? or is terrible in bed? or won't leave after? or can't maintain an erection? or is the kind of guy who never comes and thinks it's a good thing to just go and go for hours as if friction and boredom aren't things? I don't have the patience or energy to go through the sorting process right now, I really just want to fucking the dick not finding the dick!

I don't even know why I'm writing about this. Maybe I just need to see it in front of me, the black and white reality of the depths in which I've considered lowering my myself. Sure I could give in to the easy pleasure of this guy, throw my backbone out the window and be that girl. But for what? The amount of awful I  would feel after could not possibly counter the physical satisfaction. Instead I'll just keep pulling out my trusty sex toy duo, the porn, my fantasies. I will get through this like a lady. 

I still really want to get laid.