Sad Mac, May 1, 2018
Well my computer is in the shop. It started acting up on me Saturday and I had a mild freak out when the steps recommended by Apple Support via chat resulted in my machine not turning back on. However, one thing I have managed to learn over these last few years is to take a breath and maybe eat something before going full-on batshit. Inspired by my good friend who happened to text me during all of this, I went and got a pizza and then ate the entire thing while plugging in my machine and just sitting and waiting. Lo and behold by the time I finished stuffing my face with deliciousness the machine turned back on. I made a Genius Bar appointment which I went to yesterday — they confiscated my precious MacBook for 5–7 days, suspecting a keyboard hardware issue. I bought a new “cheapo” iPad to hold me over and also because it now supports the pencil thingy and so I can draw vector stuff on the fly. I had been planning on making this purchase at some point in the future but having no other updated and/or portable machine to work on for a week kinda forced my hand to do it now.
May HeyDay, May 2, 2018
First, I just have to say that trying to update this site on an iPad fucking blows. Given that, yesterday was still pretty good. I had to be out of the house all day so my apartment could be worked on so I was awake and out the door much earlier than usual. So early that I only got three hours of sleep; given the glut of hours I had been sleeping previously I didn’t sweat it because I figured it would all just balance out. I got some major errands done, kept my commitments to others and even got to see two movies: You Were Never Really Here, and Disobedience. Both were fine films but the former was many heads above the other.
Putting Pen to Paper, May 3, 2018
I journaled last night for the first time in a very long time. It’s weird because so often I feel like I’m journaling in my head as if it’s the same thing as putting pen to paper but it’s really not. At first it is very much just the stuff that’s been tossing around my brain, right there in ink word for word. But then it changes. Then that layer of thoughts and words that’s been circulating beyond and below my thoughts start to appear. Of course they’re also familiar but this new layer is, I suspect, the subconscious stuff that I almost don’t want to admit or am too fearful to acknowledge. Whatever it was pretty beautiful and of course I was weeping as I am prone to doing when tapping into emotions and words at 4am.
Once a Sleep Freak, Always a Sleep Freak, May 4, 2018
Out to dinner with a friend last night, I was recounting my most recent routine of falling asleep around 4am and then sleeping through till early to mid-afternoon and I realized something ridiculous. I think the defiance I was feeling last week, where I would get up and prepare to engage in my daily routine but instead sat staring at my screen like a petulant child unwilling to transcribe the words and thoughts swimming through my head, I think this was about resenting being awake. Even those scant four to six hours of consciousness were apparently too much. And here I was not several weeks earlier thinking maybe I was finally over my sleeping issues and becoming “normal”.
5 Hours Down From 15 and Still Fucked, May 5, 2018
I am awaiting the arrival of a friend. Still in my desire-for-less-stuff mode, said friend is coming to take two tables and an armchair off my hands. I didn’t go to bed until 6am and I have just 5 hours or so of sleep under my belt. For those of you keenly interested in my bizarre sleep patterns, I seem to have transitioned once again, this time cutting snoozes from the beginning and end of my previous cycle but still maintaining an unorthodox and socially inconvenient set of waking hours. I have yet to decide or determine if these changes are for the better. Last night I met a young girl who shares some of my struggles and she recommended a local sleep disorder facility. Jury is also out on this development.
Classic “Lady Finds Herself” Drama, May 6, 2018
Since starting this dramatic journey of leaving an old life behind to find my true purpose and pursue my calling, I have twice had the opportunity to see movies which I had very intentionally chosen not to see previously. Classic “lady finds herself” stories, both based on memoirs and written by women; I got to watch Eat, Pray, Love on the plane ride home from Paris on my recent trip and last night I discovered Under the Tuscan Sun in the “new movies added” section of HBO GO. Now I don’t know if some higher power was motivating me from specifically not watching them when they came out as the films are each over 10 years old, but there was very much this sense of each being put in front of me as they have been because right now is when I was always meant to see them. Have you ever heard that saying “Coincidences are God’s way of staying anonymous”? Anyway, I woke up with Ayn Rand’s name in my mouth so I’ll be looking into that today, I’ve been intentionally avoiding her work since college so...
Acceptance Schmeptance, May 7, 2018
So my laptop is still busted. I checked the status this morning as today is the seventh day and they told me “5 to 7 days” — the status is that they ordered a part. Last week I actually wound up feeling okay and as though I was in acceptance of this delay being part of the universe’s master plan. This week I’m feeling antsy and paranoid and even more out of sorts than before. Don’t even get me started on the recent bizarre turn my sleeping pattern has taken. On the plus side, I did come across a really fantastic visualization meditation on the Insight Timer app, which if you are not using you really should be. Check this one out: Law of Attraction & Giving Thanks. If you are like me right now you’re thinking why the fuck doesn’t she go do some more mediation if she’s freaking out so much? I’ll be right back.
Is God Laughing at My Plans? May 8, 2018
Did I ever mention that I’m working with a Swedish life coach? Like for reals, she is blond and looks exactly the way you might imagine a Swedish life coach to look. There are six modules of work in her program and four 45-minute Skype calls; we Skype because she is in Sweden, being Swedish and all... Anyway! I had intended to do the third call with her early this morning but rescheduled last night when I realized that my fucked up sleeping schedule and poor attitude left me with zero time to do the work in the days I had intended. Possibly on the plus side, I’m now slated to do it after this coming weekend when I’ll be upstate for a few days for Mother’s Day. Theoretically I’ll have some time, space and outside pressure to adhere to a “normal” sleep pattern and will get everything taken care of lickety split.
I Am the Best Friend in My Head, May 9, 2018
I often wonder if I have friends in spite of myself. How many times have I failed to answer the phone, not been the first one to call, or avoided parties because I hate people and standing for extended periods of time? Ugh I can be the worst. And yet I have people in my life who harass me (in an awesome, caring way) about wallowing to them instead of alone, checking to see that I’m alive, wanting to make plans. Mind boggling stuff. Though I don’t think I’m completely without merit as a friend — my heart is almost always in the right place even if my body isn’t, and I probably spend more time than normal thinking about other people even though I suck at acting on the thoughts. So I must be doing something good if people are sticking around right? Shit is weird.
Bottom Up, May 10, 2018
I’ve given myself exactly 13 minutes to write this post because I was running late leaving the house and now have only the smallest smidgeon of time before my next commitment to take care of this task. I used to pride myself on my time management skills. Also, I’ve already wasted 4 minutes staring blankly at my screen. In recovery we speak of hitting a bottom and that being the only thing able to bring about true willingness to change. There is strong and plentiful evidence to suggest that my recent behavior is indicative of me on my way to a bottom. But that sounds fun right? Brianne in a million itty bitty pieces, broken and filthy (you know from the days of not washing) but facing a brilliant and miraculous transformation where I get built back up all strong and amazing. I can’t stand the process and just want to get to the results already. Stupid bottoms. Growth, whatevs.
On the Road, May 11, 2018
On my way upstate to spend time with my mom for Mother’s Day. In the past I’ve dropped dough on sending her lavish rose bouquets but this time the gift is me ha ha. But seriously, it kinda is. I’ve booked this trip for a few days longer than usual because my mother has successfully guilt-tripped me for not spending more time on my visits now that I don’t have the excuse of my corporate job. I will be staying at least two days beyond what I’ve come to recognize as a safe timeframe, meaning I am nervous that I’m setting myself up for failure and giving too much room for fights and frustration to develop once I push past the timeframe boundary. Wish me luck.
Take-Out, May 12, 2018
Wow a solid night of sleep and I feel like a human again! I came upstate via Greyhound yesterday and now I’m back in the sticks through Tuesday; it’s mother’s day weekend after all. Right now my mother is looking through the menu for one of the few, possibly only, Korean restaurants early. Her plan for tonight is for us all to get take-out for whatever we’d like for dinner since she didn’t want to make the choice herself and I picked Korean. She’s never had Korean food so it will be a big coup for me if she gets something from this place too; on my last visit I got her to try Indian food so I feel like the odds are in my favor just based on momentum.
The Mommy, May 13, 2018
One of the things I can always count on when I come upstate to visit my mom is old reruns: The Golden Girls, Matlock, black and white episodes of Perry Mason, I could go on and on. It’s like being back in high school, nearly the same lineup was available via our giant satellite dish. There’s something comforting about old tv shows and for some reason this trip it’s especially soothing — I’ve been here three days already and haven’t had a single argument with my mom! Basically it’s a successful Mother’s Day weekend. Also, call your mom.
The Cycle of Faith and Despair, May 14, 2018
So far today we watched old black and white episodes of Bewitched, the ones with the old Darren; I struggled to wake up while drinking my stovetop espresso on the couch; last night I stayed awake until 3:30am watching episode after episode of Sex and the City. It’s difficult to sleep in the twin daybed that is the main and only feature of the guest room. Generally I wake up not because of an alarm but because my back hurts too much to stay asleep. I feel like I got a couple of small and subtle signs from the universe about my path yesterday, but maybe I’m searching for them and seeing what I want to see. Rather than continuing to complain and fret about my broken laptop, I’ve just committed to putting down a substantial chunk of money to the purchase of a new desktop system to replace my near defunct 2007 model. Maybe this was Apple’s plan all along? My point is that it’s another act of faith, my putting this chunk of money, previously earmarked for future housing payments, towards technology to enable me. Though I’m still physically stalled I remain mentally committed to some kind of action. Something has to break this cycle.
The Legend of Purpose, May 15, 2018
Last night I watched The Legend of Bagger Vance for the first time. Not only was the movie on repeat for the entire evening and into the early morning, but the night before, a gentleman had sat down next to me with a used copy of the book that he had picked up from a donation bin. Incidentally, the novel which inspired the movie was written by the same author of The War of Art, a work I was reading at the start of this whole major life change thing. Both books are about purpose, authenticity, tapping into that one thing you are meant to do. My own personal purpose is feeling further and further away every day. My Swedish life coach work continues.
One Plate at a Time, May 16, 2018
One of the greatest sayings I’ve ever heard is “You can do anything but you can’t do everything”. This is a particularly useful reminder to someone such as myself, someone who has a tendency to try to do it all and all at the same time. I had another Skype session this morning with my Swedish life coach and she used a buffet as a metaphor for the groundwork I am doing and still to be done, advising me to set the table but don’t start eating yet. She expanded on it to say that once I begin “eating” to take one plate at a time, of one kind of thing at a time. I had to laugh because when I eat at a buffet, I put a little of everything on my plate and then cut it all up and mix everything together before stuffing it in my mouth. You see why I need help?
That Band Journey Had Some Good Stuff, May 17, 2018
Well, my computer is finally fixed and ready for pickup. And while I am not finally fixed and entirely ready for pickup, I do think I’m closer than I’ve been in a while. When I was planning my resignation I had joked to my colleagues that the first thing I was going to do was sleep for a month. When March came and went without that happening, I had assumed I was going to be skipping the hibernation. Oh how the universe got a laugh out of that. So, here I am at late mid-May and I am quite hopeful about the awake-days ahead. I won’t make the mistake of assuming, instead I’ll just keep believing.
Waiting for Updates, May 18, 2018
Now that I finally have my laptop back, I'm in the "update" phase. They changed a shitload of hardware on my machine and then wiped the OS bringing it back to the previous version; they also installed the reset under a different apple ID for some reason so I got to spend an hour this morning on apple support chat and then a screen sharing phone call, just to get back to where I was over two weeks ago. While installing the latest version of the OS, post-apple support, I got to go through an identical cycle of feelings as experienced during my own time-consuming changes: impatient, irritated, paranoid it wouldn't work, etc. Now that it's finished I feel deflated and unsure where to go next. All so painfully familiar...
"I'm a Writer”, May 19, 2018
I've maintained my Sex and the City binging habit since returning home on Tuesday. Not sure if you remember, but back then the seasons were made up of near 20 episodes each and there were something six seasons so even with my hours and hours of watching, I'm still only on season 3. I'm not entirely sure what the draw is — the length of the show run, the pretty things, the sex I'm not having, or maybe I just really need the repetition of watching Carrie say "I'm a writer" over and over and over. Even if this is all for distraction, there's got to be some subconscious benefit to hearing a woman successfully live a life funded and fueled by writing, as preposterous and unrealistic the depiction may be. I'll take anything I can get these days considering how far I feel from faith and confidence some days.
Shaved and Hopeful, May 20, 2018
Well, I've managed to come up with a new worry while working out other issues — my shaved head. To clarify, I LOVE my shaved head, it feels more "me" than any other cut/style I've ever had, the issue is that I haven't had sex since I did it and I'm beginning to wonder [worry] if it will ever happen. To clarify further, going a few months without a sexual partner isn't new or unusual so it's not the time, it's more that until it happens, it's difficult to believe it can happen. It is yet another opportunity for faith, and when you are in need of something, the universe is all too happy to provide circumstances which will require you to practice the very thing you are in search of. Thank you universe, you are so thoughtful.
Change or Be Changed, May 21, 2018
There is nothing like having someone tell you something tragic to snap your head out of your ass. An old friend of mine just told me his mother was killed in a car accident and here I am worrying about getting laid while having a shaved head and why I'm still averaging 12 hours of sleep a night. Despite the epic differences in circumstances between myself and my friend — between any of us really — we're all fighting battles of self, sometimes big but sometimes small. I am thankful to have answered the phone, that my friend sees me as someone he can call in a crisis, and that hopefully we gave each other a new perspective for at least one little moment.
We all have this power to be a catalyst for change no matter our situation; what small difference can you make today?
Perfect or Done, Probably Never Both, May 22, 2018
Yesterday I took a big step in opposition of my depression and sent a long overdue email to those of you who subscribed to my mailing list. It was one of those "perfection is the enemy of done" situations, where I had to let go of the wheel a bit and just put something out there before the opportunity and moment were lost forever. And now of course this approach can't stop there, this whole venture is dependent on this type of action to ensure anything else gets done and that things will continue to get done, as imperfect as the doneness may be.
Patience And Assholes, May 23, 2018
Last night I found myself in the curious position of regretting having been patient with someone. As I was getting ready for bed, I found myself obsessing over a meeting a few hours earlier, wishing I had just gotten up and left after gently telling the person off. The meeting was and is a weekly occurrence, and the individual I've been meeting with was especially difficult to deal with last night, hence my dilemma. We meet to go over work that we agree upon at the prior meeting; last night the person didn't bother to do it and was very flippant about not having done it and subsequently wasting my time. If I had left, it would have been justified, but I stayed and exercised compassion and patience, pretty much in spite of myself. In the end, it was the right thing but still, I kinda wish I had been an asshole.
In the Company of Likeminded Persons, May 24, 2018
In the midst of continuing to shed unnecessary personal objects and upgrade work tools, there have been more than a few snags. Thankfully I've got more than a few creatives in my life, and they help me get back to a place of sane perspective and even hope. Last night I had dinner with a relatively new friend, an indie movie director who identifies with the cycle of creative insanity. Man oh man is it helpful to talk about these things with someone who has been through it all before: the struggle to act on ideas, the impostor syndrome, the paralysis, the fear, the insecurity, etc., etc. We had tentatively planned to use our get together as a writing session but instead used all the time catching each other up on our current situations. I find it pretty exciting to have plans to write alongside someone and I am ready and eager for the next shot at this plan. I find it even more exciting to be excited about anything again wheeeeeee!
My molars are my spirit teeth, May 25, 2018
I've been in the grip of a paradox over the last two months; feeling certain that I made the right decision, that I am moving in the right direction, while also feeling nagged by certain things. Things that I feel deep in my molars, things that make me cringe inside when I think of them. The biggest source of this discomfort has been the name of this site. You may have noticed some changes recently, most notably my dropping of the 'Brianne' from the logo, which is the first of a series of steps in transitioning the identity to something more fitting, broad in scope and open to growth. I don't know what the hell I was thinking with the current domain name; it seemed funny at first and certainly it was better to start with something wrong than to do nothing, but between the google confusion with Brienne of Tarth and the unhelpful tie to my personal name, just ugh... Nothing is set in stone just yet but so far I am leaning towards "Ladyblood". Thoughts?
Maybe My Gut is Confused Too, May 26, 2018
Well I'm no closer to deciding about the domain name. Swedish life coach lady suggested an exercise where you stand up straight and ask your body which direction 'yes' is and then once that is determined you ask questions for guidance. It is my impression that said guidance is your gut feeling and not using your body as an oracle but can't say for sure. Either way, I'm getting very mixed messages when I do the exercise for this particular dilemma and I am confused and a bit defeated. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing? As a distraction? I don't know. What I do know is that I have been really throwing myself into these last few days of what I've come to refer to as "The Month of Sleep"; ha ha "May" I rest, get it? Anyway! Productivity still low is my point. But I'm now behaving this way intentionally so I get so sick of it that I have no choice but to turn into a superproducer in June and the months and years that follow.
From Disgusting to Amazing, May 27, 2018
As anticipated, I am getting sick of sleeping. I'm telling you, this overindulgence method is pretty fucking reliable and even works with food cravings (just eat so much of the thing that you're craving, you feel like throwing up, magic!). Seriously it works, but back to the sleeping thing — I've been embracing it heavily and I've also not changed my sheets for at least two months. Yes yes, I agree this is totally disgusting and I smell my own body sweat frequently but it only adds to this process! Once June 1st hits and I'm sleeping on those fresh, clean sheets, oooohwheee it's gonna be sweet. And just the dramatic gesture I need to kickstart a new habit. Hey, I never said this method was sane, or even sanitary, only that it's effective.
Progress not perfection, May 28, 2018
Ok so I'm still stubbornly sleeping in my filthy sheets. I'm not proud of this but I am convinced that this suffering will make the change that much more dramatic and satisfying once it happens. And actually, in writing this I realize that I do this with many many things and have suspected before that it's good ol' addictive "payoff" behavior manifesting in other areas now that I'm sober. Well, a big part of being sober is "knowing thyself" so at least my awareness can be counted as a positive. Come on, I'm looking for a bright side here — my sheets are disgusting blegh.
The Sheets Saga continues, May 29, 2018
The sheets are revolting. My filthy filthy sheets have started pulling off the mattress on their own and it's mutiny. And I'm so close!!!! It's a real conundrum I tell you — stay with my plan till the end (Thursday night) or give in to hygiene? You're right I'll hold out. Ha ha I was always going to, I'm too stubborn to quit now. Damn I just remembered 'revolting' also means disgusting — so many jokes, so much truth.
My Gadgets, Machines And Internal Clock, May 30, 2018
All of my gadgets and machines seem to be turning on me and I can't fall asleep to save my life. For the last three nights in a row, I have gone to bed at a reasonable hour only to find myself still wide awake at dawn. I toss and turn and meditate and pray and change positions and nothing. Finally I get up to feed the cats around 8am and then sometimes I can fall asleep, getting up around 2pm. Today not even that. I think I was in some superficial sleep state for maybe 30 minutes but it's 10:42am right now and I gave up on sleep at 7:16am. On the plus side, the Salvation Army just left with a shitload of stuff I decided to purge and donate and the open feeling in my apartment now is pretty amazeballs. Also, maybe if I stay awake all day I'll reset my clock?
A New Step and No sleep, May 31, 2018
Well I didn't manage to stay awake all day; a pounding lack-of-sleep-headache drove to me to lay down at 1pm and so I got four hours of sleep yesterday. So far today I've gotten three. I had another Skype call with the Swedish life couch which I had set an alarm for so between that and the cats waking me up, those three hours happened in about 4 segments (I like to snooze).
I test recorded the first episode of one of my podcast ideas after the Skype call. Two friends and the Swedish life coach have asked to be guinea pigs; one of the two friends happened to ask just after I finished the recording so she'll be the first. It's terrifying. But also very exciting. Fuck I just realized I'm starving. Maybe after I eat I'll be able to better figure out this new audio program that's got me flummoxed.