God Stuff / Sex Stuff
Over the last few weeks I have been experiencing a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Given a recent decision to make a pretty dramatic life change, this is pretty much to be expected. When I’m up, there is motivation and steady, continuous work to maintain the momentum. Said work often results in my being filled with giddy anticipation, hope, firm belief that I am on the right path and feeling like I am LIT UP on the inside. However, during the reverse, I am just as often plagued with overwhelming fear, paranoia, depression, lethargy and periods of complete stagnancy. In The War of Art, stagnancy is identified as a form of "the resistance". The book goes on to describe at length how the resistance is insidious and will stop at nothing to insert itself at the exact moment one begins to make big changes in pursuit of creativity. In addition to stagnancy, another manner in which the resistance may present itself is sex.
It is important to note that one month ago, neither dramatic change nor sex played much of a part in my waking life. I had no sexual partners or romantic interests and my work life was basically the same as it had been for the last 12 years. Now this is not to say I wasn't struggling or that I wasn't tossing around dreams of a new life or that my subconscious wasn't bubbling away behind the scenes - all of those things were absolutely happening, but I was taking zero action. Here I am, 30 days or so later; I just announced my resignation at work and I recently started having sex with a new partner.
Under previous circumstances, the state of my sex life would have no bearing on my perception of change or vision or the universe or my success or failure at taking big steps. But now - well, when I find myself reading something that warns me to BEWARE sex because it is a subtle form of the resistance meant to derail me before I've even gotten started - I must take a pause. And that pause led to some pretty extreme paranoia about my having sex, and specifically sex with this partner because it was so fucking filthy. I mean the timing, my God the timing! Right??? I would be crazy not to consider the "why" in all this. And so I did - I got all panicked and freaked out and then immediately hit with stagnancy, ha ha another form of the fucking resistance. Never mind that this partner has actually been incredibly supportive and encouraging, checking in with me to see what I steps I've taken today to keep making progress - no I would rather dismiss the entire experience because of a couple paragraphs telling me that sex is the enemy.
I am not someone who shames myself, or anyone else for that matter, for engaging in any physical, sexual act no matter how twisted it may be. In fact, I am so extremely pro-sex and pro-freak that my closest friends refer to me as both an authority on sexual experience and a pillar of non-judgment. To become so fearful of the acts and feelings I was engaging in was both bizarre and totally counter to my true self - I am in fact, disgusted recounting these reactions. It has since led me to open my mouth and share the thoughts occupying my brain, to reflect on what else may be going on here. My working theory is that I while I am at the beginning of perhaps the biggest leap of faith in my life, I am also being presented with a giant opportunity. An opportunity to more fully embrace my whole being - and all the creative, sexual, curious nooks and crannies therein - presumably for the purpose of self actualizing my true potential, my reason for existing.
For years I have lived and worked in opposition of my body clock, my passions and beliefs. But in this present moment I am rejecting the past - hurling my inner being from out of the shadows and into the light of the future. To find myself in a situation where I feel as though I have the chance to explore some pretty freaky depths of bodily pleasure while acting on behalf of my soul, well this may in fact be the start of a spiritual awakening.
I own a great many books on spirituality, higher powers, meditation - I also own more than a few sex toys and related equipment. I keep all of these items together in the same space, an unassuming bedside cabinet. It never occurred to me before last week that this storage choice may offer some insight into my current situation. In fact, musing on the contents of my “goodie drawer” is exactly what led me to this topic. Sex and God are not mutually exclusive in my experience.
To reflect on powerful moments of spiritual connection, of faith… the sensations are not dissimilar to that of an intense orgasm. The feeling of being so utterly lost in the moment, so filled with physical sensation that time and existence fall away. The feeling of being so fully in one’s body that each passing second is ecstatic in its beauty and simplicity. Is it any wonder so many of us scream “Oh my God” when climaxing?
There are many references among the major religions of the world which detail the importance and sacred nature of sex in relation to living in alignment with one’s God, or higher power. I would be doing myself a disservice if I chose to turn my back on that which is in front of me right now. In other words, I choose pleasure and in doing so, I choose faith.